Love thy neighbor or don't

When I moved into my apartment back in August one of the things that was important is that it is quiet. Not only because I work the graveyard shift but I also hate hearing people's mouths. The building manager assured me it was a quiet neighborhood. All I can say is, the bitch lied!
Early on I had a hint there would be problems with my neighbor when within the first week, as I was laying in the comfort of my bed in my new home, I heard groans on the other side of the wall. I was not pleased. I am drafting a note which I am considering taping to his door.
Dear Neighbor,
The following is a list of reasons why I will avoid you for the rest of my natural life:
1. Listening to your sexual exploits is less than thrilling. Not to mention unimpressive. If you have to give your partner a pep talk I can over hear during sex I suggest you stop, excuse yourself, and go in the bathroom and cry. Sad. Just sad.
2.Listening to your screams while you have nightmares is not only annoying but the pitch of your voice sounds alarmingly like a little girl. Man up. The boogie man isn't real. I promise.
3.Your sex life was made only more frightening when I actually saw what you are taking to bed. Enough said.
4. Your face is a train wreck. It looks like you shave with sand paper. My next question is why is anyone taking YOU to bed?
5. You smoke like a chimney and I can smell it through the wall in my room as you smoke in bed. Presumably after one of your lack luster performances. You're an idiot. You're going to kill us all.
6.Don't run out of your apartment anymore when you see me coming because you think it will make you look neighborly and maybe I will want to get to know you. I will NEVER want to get to know you. Especially not after hearing you yell, "WOW!!" when you climax.
Please move! Thank you! That is all!

The Holiday Buddy System (or HBS for short)

The quickly approaching holidays can really SUCK for those of us without that "special someone". I have developed (along with a friend) The Holiday Buddy System (HBS). Going into the system there are probably some key concepts you should know about your buddy to avoid a holiday meltdown (especially if your holiday buddy is of the opposite sex):
1. Some people have a problem with response time. Returning calls, txts, etc. You may want to work on your response times because your buddy is liable to down a bottle of "holiday" pills if you are taking an exorbitant or ridiculously lazy amount of time to respond. After all, Noah wrote Ally 365 letters. You can return a text!!
2. Know your Holiday Buddy's sore spots. Such as: babies, not being that "special someone", oh and that another year of their life has slid down the drain and she is still alone and not nearly as young as she used to be. (ooopppsss! O.o sorry!)
3. Know your buddy's key low times. Ex: Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve or holiday party. They may need an extra bit that day or event.
4. Keep your buddy from making key mistakes of the season like dating someone that would normally make them vomit on themselves in order to get through. Inevitably, there will be a messy break up on January 1, the 2nd at the latest!
Happy Holidays everyone!!

Just a quick one minute P.S.A.

If you still have profile pics on your FB from a relationship that ended YEARS ago, you might wanna take them down. If they haven't come back by now THEY'RE NOT GOING TO!!! LET IT GO!! Just sayin!

Just another friendly P.S.A.

Here's another word on manners because APPARENTLY not enough can be said about them!!!
When someone says, "Have a good day!" or "Hope you have a good day off!", have the common courtesy to say THANK YOU!!!
Quit sucking up all the attention around you like oxygen simply because it's there!!
Try thinking about maybe you don't deserve it all and what could you do to make yourself more worthy!! Just sayin......

Considering a career change???

Here are some new career path ideas:

1. Magician...cuz everything is more fun with a squirting flower.... wait that's a clown.
2. Clown ...because everything is more fun with a squirting flower.
3. Belly Dancer....I'm currently looking for an internship for this position. Just sayin...
4. Vampire Slayer.....for those who enjoy beating ass anyway.
5. Private Investigator....for those who enjoy snooping and looking in people's windows anyway.
6. Professional dog walker...Hey, it worked for that chic in that movie that time.
7. Groupie...if you're into drugs and meaningless sex.
8. Lion Tamer.....for those who believe they are "in touch" with the Animal Kingdom.
9. Hand model.....because it's just utterly ridiculous.
10.a "Tracer"....for those of you who have seen "Chasing Amy" you know what this is.
11. Defense against the Dark Arts Professor.....It's always everyone BUT Snape. Why not you?
12.The guy who empties septic tanks.....if you think YOUR job is bad just try his for a day!!!!