I know it's been a while since my last post. I guess that's what happens when you fall in love, you have less to bitch about. But leave it up to me to find SOMETHING out there.....
During my travels the last several days these are the things I noticed that maybe should be posted in airports along with the regulations on bags and boarding!
1. The WORST smell in the world......CURRY!!! I can't say this enough. The silver lining in the seats being next to the bathroom on the last flight home was that they were FAR from the curry smell.
2.Middle aged men in skinny jeans. Especially when those jeans are of a strange color such as teal. It's bad enough boy bands still exist.....
3.People having arguments on their cell phone with their significant others while they are waiting at their gate. We're all stressed out enough, I could give a shit about your stress and don't really wanna hear about how, "she's just not listening to you!" STFU!!!
4. Foreigners who refuse to speak English but try to communicate with you via the international language of knowing looks (or laughs) such as in situations above.
5.People reading over your shoulder. Can I F'n help you??
6.Strange smells that CAN NOT be identified.
7.The stewardess who feels it is her "option" to serve you! (the term stewardess was used here versus flight attendant because it is my OPTION to be politically correct since it was hers to do her job. kthx)
8.Parents who allow their children to run around at the gates like wild animals. Enough said.
9. Further more, a parent who allows their child to walk around the airport with a split in the ass of their pants and no diaper on! (Yea, it happened! Keepin it classy in Detroit!)
10. The worldly woman who really believes that hat really COMPLETES her traveling outfit. (none of the outfit matched in the first damn place!)
11. Men who adjust their junk in public. Do I need to explain anymore here?
12. Women who don't shave their legs but INSIST on wearing skirts and dresses. We aren't in Europe and that shit ain't sexy. Pick up a razor!!!
13. People feeding each other. Why? At terminals. Why?
This blog is dedicated to all my cousins...keepin it real all over the country!! Miss you already!!!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
You might be a douche bag if....
I've begun to wonder as of late if some men actually realize what douche bags they really might be. How do you get up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror and not realize that you could very well be a douche bag? Until recently, I was a douche bag magnet. And I never realized there are several levels of douche bag-dom.
Some of which I have compiled here as a helpful guide. Whether you think you are dating a possible douche bag or struggling to determine if you, yourself are a d-bag, this might help!
1.The Douche bag may be strutting around with a "popped collar". Just like a proud Peacock. Don't be proud, you look like an idiot! That shit went out with Don Johnson!
2.He wears his hat to the side. You look like you are 12. If this was the look you were going for then you have succeeded!! However, most grown, intelligent, attractive women don't find 12 year old boys attractive. There's a word if they do and they belong in prison.
3.The guy who takes off his sunglasses casually places them in his mouth and then winks at you. I can't even talk about this anymore because it makes me want to vomit on myself.
4.The douche bag who MUST at all times wear 1 or more pieces of clothing displaying his fraternity. If you graduated more than 5 years ago let it go and move on, no one gives a shit! Alpha Gamma Delta your ass on out of here!!kthx!
5.In a group no matter how big or small HE is the only one talking and laughing at his own conversation!
6.The newest and nastiest kind of douche bag is the one who rates women and makes it publicly known with graphs, charts, scoring systems, "x"'s. How about this...all of you line up and drop your pants and us ladies will rate you and see where YOU end up!!!
Some of which I have compiled here as a helpful guide. Whether you think you are dating a possible douche bag or struggling to determine if you, yourself are a d-bag, this might help!
1.The Douche bag may be strutting around with a "popped collar". Just like a proud Peacock. Don't be proud, you look like an idiot! That shit went out with Don Johnson!
2.He wears his hat to the side. You look like you are 12. If this was the look you were going for then you have succeeded!! However, most grown, intelligent, attractive women don't find 12 year old boys attractive. There's a word if they do and they belong in prison.
3.The guy who takes off his sunglasses casually places them in his mouth and then winks at you. I can't even talk about this anymore because it makes me want to vomit on myself.
4.The douche bag who MUST at all times wear 1 or more pieces of clothing displaying his fraternity. If you graduated more than 5 years ago let it go and move on, no one gives a shit! Alpha Gamma Delta your ass on out of here!!kthx!
5.In a group no matter how big or small HE is the only one talking and laughing at his own conversation!
6.The newest and nastiest kind of douche bag is the one who rates women and makes it publicly known with graphs, charts, scoring systems, "x"'s. How about this...all of you line up and drop your pants and us ladies will rate you and see where YOU end up!!!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
"Life boat for one, Please!"
It occurred to me tonight how dating and surviving the sinking of the Titanic might be alike......
Now, before I go any further let me provide this evening's disclaimer: Someone, somewhere is going to say, "That's just awful! People died!" Yea, I know! People die every damn day and that's awful too! So, don't email me saying things like, "My Father's Great Uncle's Niece on his Great Grandmother's side who used to attend church of the Pastor whose mother died with the ship." Like I'm always saying, I don't care!!
Anyway-
Being single is like being in a life boat AFTER the Titanic has already gone down. Except everyone has their own little life boat and we're all just out there floating around. Occasionally, you will come along another survivor treading water. As you pull your little dingy along side them you offer them a spot with you BUT only if they fit certain criteria. Age, weight, hair color, eye color, children/no children, fiscal responsibility, likes, dislikes, political views, favorite foods, 401k, hobbies. And then it happens.......as you are conducting your dingy side interview they give a wrong answer. You pull out your bullhorn and scream,"SWIM AWAY FROM THE LIFE BOAT, SIR" because somehow as the ship went down you managed to find one and grab it for safe keeping! (Yea, I know there weren't actually bullhorns on the Titanic, but there were in this scenario! Don't email me with that one either!) Maybe it wasn't a wrong answer per say, but it's not enough to earn them a dry spot on your boat. For instance, with me in particular, I find it a good thing when a suitor (that's just a funny word to me) takes an interest in my interests or what I do. The last guy I had an interest in said, "No, I don't read your blog. I hate reading." O.o
KEEP ON SWIMMIN MUTHA F*&%$ !!!! Try the chic in the boat behind me!!! Damn, it's lonely out in the ocean!!!!
Now, before I go any further let me provide this evening's disclaimer: Someone, somewhere is going to say, "That's just awful! People died!" Yea, I know! People die every damn day and that's awful too! So, don't email me saying things like, "My Father's Great Uncle's Niece on his Great Grandmother's side who used to attend church of the Pastor whose mother died with the ship." Like I'm always saying, I don't care!!
Anyway-
Being single is like being in a life boat AFTER the Titanic has already gone down. Except everyone has their own little life boat and we're all just out there floating around. Occasionally, you will come along another survivor treading water. As you pull your little dingy along side them you offer them a spot with you BUT only if they fit certain criteria. Age, weight, hair color, eye color, children/no children, fiscal responsibility, likes, dislikes, political views, favorite foods, 401k, hobbies. And then it happens.......as you are conducting your dingy side interview they give a wrong answer. You pull out your bullhorn and scream,"SWIM AWAY FROM THE LIFE BOAT, SIR" because somehow as the ship went down you managed to find one and grab it for safe keeping! (Yea, I know there weren't actually bullhorns on the Titanic, but there were in this scenario! Don't email me with that one either!) Maybe it wasn't a wrong answer per say, but it's not enough to earn them a dry spot on your boat. For instance, with me in particular, I find it a good thing when a suitor (that's just a funny word to me) takes an interest in my interests or what I do. The last guy I had an interest in said, "No, I don't read your blog. I hate reading." O.o
KEEP ON SWIMMIN MUTHA F*&%$ !!!! Try the chic in the boat behind me!!! Damn, it's lonely out in the ocean!!!!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Who hired the Pied Piper!!
Just when I thought my well of experience had run dry along came another topic that I had something to say about. Imagine that!
As most of you know I was (yes that's WAS!! I just got a regular job and resigned) working a graveyard shift job. Not glamorous by any stretch of the imagination. Or clean. Or fun. Or anything that any human being alive should be doing. But I digress. As described previously, "The Grave" as I like to call it, caters to a certain clientele. Not the cute kind. But, occasionally, a good looking one will venture in and wander around for a bit.
And so it was on one particular night not too long ago, when a rather handsome muscular and unusually young man (for the place I was working) came swaggering in at the wee hours of the morn covered in full sleeves. (That's tattoos covering both arms COMPLETELY for those of you not in the know.)
He was lookin' good in his Edward Hardy shirt and as he walked by me he smelled so damn good ......I followed him!!! Yes, I did! Pimp juice in a bottle wasn't gettin away from me!! It was like he was the Pied fuckin Piper without a damn flute!!! I followed him, at arm's length of course, to the other end of the store where I waited on him. At one point I realized while I was standing at the counter with him that I was on my tip-toes practically leaning over it and as I looked over at my manager who was about ten feet from me at the time he looked at me like I was out of my mind! Then it happened! Said hottie opened his mouth and revealed a mouthful of nasty rotten teeth and then he began to speak and further revealed less than intelligent conversation skills! DAMN IT ALL!!!
Not too long after him was another fine young specimen. From across the store he had GRREEAAAT calves, a tattoo on his forearm (hey, A tattoo is better than none) and TERRIFIC shoulders! Anyone who knows me knows I am sucker for great shoulders. And then he turned around......and was wearing coke bottle glasses!!!!!!!! DAMN IT ALLL!!!!!!
It just goes to show ladies and gents, don't judge a book by it's cover because maybe that book can't speak or spell or even SEE!!!!
As most of you know I was (yes that's WAS!! I just got a regular job and resigned) working a graveyard shift job. Not glamorous by any stretch of the imagination. Or clean. Or fun. Or anything that any human being alive should be doing. But I digress. As described previously, "The Grave" as I like to call it, caters to a certain clientele. Not the cute kind. But, occasionally, a good looking one will venture in and wander around for a bit.
And so it was on one particular night not too long ago, when a rather handsome muscular and unusually young man (for the place I was working) came swaggering in at the wee hours of the morn covered in full sleeves. (That's tattoos covering both arms COMPLETELY for those of you not in the know.)
He was lookin' good in his Edward Hardy shirt and as he walked by me he smelled so damn good ......I followed him!!! Yes, I did! Pimp juice in a bottle wasn't gettin away from me!! It was like he was the Pied fuckin Piper without a damn flute!!! I followed him, at arm's length of course, to the other end of the store where I waited on him. At one point I realized while I was standing at the counter with him that I was on my tip-toes practically leaning over it and as I looked over at my manager who was about ten feet from me at the time he looked at me like I was out of my mind! Then it happened! Said hottie opened his mouth and revealed a mouthful of nasty rotten teeth and then he began to speak and further revealed less than intelligent conversation skills! DAMN IT ALL!!!
Not too long after him was another fine young specimen. From across the store he had GRREEAAAT calves, a tattoo on his forearm (hey, A tattoo is better than none) and TERRIFIC shoulders! Anyone who knows me knows I am sucker for great shoulders. And then he turned around......and was wearing coke bottle glasses!!!!!!!! DAMN IT ALLL!!!!!!
It just goes to show ladies and gents, don't judge a book by it's cover because maybe that book can't speak or spell or even SEE!!!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Stupid Bitches Part 3
Who would have thought, me, the aspiring blog mistress with a three part series on Stupid Bitches!! I realize that the last post: "I've sank your Battle Ship" may have seemed unrelated, but trust me when I say it most definitely was related to Stupid Bitches. One Stupid Bitch specifically. Which brings me to today's post. I have come to realize that this topic is such a broad one that there is simply NOT ENOUGH that can be said about Stupid Bitches!!
In fact here are a few more you may have also met!!!
1. The Perfectly Manicured Bitch- Have you met this Bitch? I have!! The one who gets her nails done every week and leaves the salon to go shopping while they are still wet and then expects the general public to reach into her pockets and purse to get her keys, phone, wallet, etc.. Here's an idea Bitch~ why don't you do like the rest of us average pee on's do and wait AT THE SALON until your nails are dry THEN go shopping!!! Wild concept I know!! Try it out it works well for the rest of us simple minded folk! I promise!
2. The Know-it-All-Bitch- There isn't anything you can say or do that she can't do and do better, at least in her little head!! If you have climbed Mt. Everest, she climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and she did it yesterday!!! Or better yet this woman can tell you how to run your life better than you can and how to raise your children because she is an expert and went so green that she buys everything she sees and fills that huge house of hers with the even bigger carbon foot print!!! ;p
3. The Public Outburst Bitch- Ever witnessed one of these bitches? Having a bad day? Well, why not run down to your nearest convenient store and have a public outburst about your life and spill EVERY, single, last detail of your life about how you got knocked up and your man is a bastard!!! And THEN ...add the cherry to that sundae and burst into tears and run out!!! (I'm laughing right now just seeing that whole moment in my head all over again!!! hahahahaha)
4.The Center of Attention Bitch- This Perhaps is my LEAST favorite of all!! The Bitch that no matter the scenario has to be the center of everything! The one who simply can not understand what is going on if you are not bowing down to kiss her ass when she rolls through town! The one who can not stand to just let people be who they are even if that means they are different from her personality! The one who expects you to cater to HER, to apologize to her even when she may be wrong. To all these Bitches- Please refer to the last post, "I've sank your Battle Ship!" Later Bitch!!
5. The Story for Everything Bitch- This is the, "and one time at band camp", bitch. It doesn't matter what you've done or been through this Bitch has done it, seen it, been there, or slept with it first!!!! Sit down cuz this Bitch is gonna tell you alllll about it!!!!
Today's blog is dedicated to Nix! Love you lady!!
In fact here are a few more you may have also met!!!
1. The Perfectly Manicured Bitch- Have you met this Bitch? I have!! The one who gets her nails done every week and leaves the salon to go shopping while they are still wet and then expects the general public to reach into her pockets and purse to get her keys, phone, wallet, etc.. Here's an idea Bitch~ why don't you do like the rest of us average pee on's do and wait AT THE SALON until your nails are dry THEN go shopping!!! Wild concept I know!! Try it out it works well for the rest of us simple minded folk! I promise!
2. The Know-it-All-Bitch- There isn't anything you can say or do that she can't do and do better, at least in her little head!! If you have climbed Mt. Everest, she climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and she did it yesterday!!! Or better yet this woman can tell you how to run your life better than you can and how to raise your children because she is an expert and went so green that she buys everything she sees and fills that huge house of hers with the even bigger carbon foot print!!! ;p
3. The Public Outburst Bitch- Ever witnessed one of these bitches? Having a bad day? Well, why not run down to your nearest convenient store and have a public outburst about your life and spill EVERY, single, last detail of your life about how you got knocked up and your man is a bastard!!! And THEN ...add the cherry to that sundae and burst into tears and run out!!! (I'm laughing right now just seeing that whole moment in my head all over again!!! hahahahaha)
4.The Center of Attention Bitch- This Perhaps is my LEAST favorite of all!! The Bitch that no matter the scenario has to be the center of everything! The one who simply can not understand what is going on if you are not bowing down to kiss her ass when she rolls through town! The one who can not stand to just let people be who they are even if that means they are different from her personality! The one who expects you to cater to HER, to apologize to her even when she may be wrong. To all these Bitches- Please refer to the last post, "I've sank your Battle Ship!" Later Bitch!!
5. The Story for Everything Bitch- This is the, "and one time at band camp", bitch. It doesn't matter what you've done or been through this Bitch has done it, seen it, been there, or slept with it first!!!! Sit down cuz this Bitch is gonna tell you alllll about it!!!!
Today's blog is dedicated to Nix! Love you lady!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I've sank your Battle Ship!!!
I see by my stat reader that last weeks post, "How to know you're dealing with a Stupid Bitch" was fairly popular amongst my fans. I also learned, by accident, it was popular amongst an enemy or two!! : )
So, today's chat is brought to you by Stupid Bitches who can't handle the truth!!! (Let me pull out my smoking jacket and pipe and settle into my arm chair Ala Deep Thoughts style.)
Over the years I have made many mistakes. Let me reiterate that.. many, MANY mistakes. And I'm not going to lie and say, "Oh, I wouldn't take anything back because they have all made me exactly who I am!" Sometimes I think people are idiots because you know there is shit we would ALL take back. Have they made me who I am? Yep, sure have and hopefully I have learned some good lessons from them, but did they always need to be learned? Nope!!!! Like my family has always told me I tend to learn the hard way! But I digress! If I could have gotten away without making those truly shitty mistakes I would have but oh well! They have still delivered me right to this very spot battle scars and all!
I may not like my life every single day but every other day it's pretty damn good! I have a job, I pay my own bills, I stand on MY OWN TWO FEET!!! Is it rough? Sure fuckin is!!! Do I have money for pretty cloths all the time? Nope! Do I feel pretty all the damn time? Nope!! Do I always feel my best? Fuck no!! But here's what I DO know for sure......
I know what's important: 1)My Family!!! Mama, Dad, brother, his wife & kids and the extended. I love you all very much! 2)The 2 women pictured to your right >>>>> my best friends! We are each others rocks when need be, sounding boards, and a slap of reality if needed and always, ALWAYS a good laugh!!! I love you girls!!
3)The other few people of my small circle that I will ALWAYS call my dear friends! You know who you are! Love you!
4) Being a woman of substance and integrity!!!
Workin my ass to the bone isn't always fun. Partyin' is. But I would rather know what I stand for and not have to run around from place to place wondering! So in short, no I'm not going to apologize to you ( and you know who you are) and "admit I was wrong" because I wasn't wrong for anything. And I do not wish to make peace. In fact, my life has been VERY peaceful without you! You are not the kind of person I want in my life. You are all fun and good times which is just that. But when anyone really needed ya, you were worthless. I have what I need. Thanks! Now THAT'S RealTalk!!
Oh and for any Stupid Bitches reading this, here are some foot notes for any words that you may not have understood in the above post! Sound them out slooowwwwlllyyy!!!! ; )
Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
Substance: 1.the actual matter of a thing, as opposed to the appearance or shadow; reality. 2.the subject matter of thought, discourse, study, etc.
So, today's chat is brought to you by Stupid Bitches who can't handle the truth!!! (Let me pull out my smoking jacket and pipe and settle into my arm chair Ala Deep Thoughts style.)
Over the years I have made many mistakes. Let me reiterate that.. many, MANY mistakes. And I'm not going to lie and say, "Oh, I wouldn't take anything back because they have all made me exactly who I am!" Sometimes I think people are idiots because you know there is shit we would ALL take back. Have they made me who I am? Yep, sure have and hopefully I have learned some good lessons from them, but did they always need to be learned? Nope!!!! Like my family has always told me I tend to learn the hard way! But I digress! If I could have gotten away without making those truly shitty mistakes I would have but oh well! They have still delivered me right to this very spot battle scars and all!
I may not like my life every single day but every other day it's pretty damn good! I have a job, I pay my own bills, I stand on MY OWN TWO FEET!!! Is it rough? Sure fuckin is!!! Do I have money for pretty cloths all the time? Nope! Do I feel pretty all the damn time? Nope!! Do I always feel my best? Fuck no!! But here's what I DO know for sure......
I know what's important: 1)My Family!!! Mama, Dad, brother, his wife & kids and the extended. I love you all very much! 2)The 2 women pictured to your right >>>>> my best friends! We are each others rocks when need be, sounding boards, and a slap of reality if needed and always, ALWAYS a good laugh!!! I love you girls!!
3)The other few people of my small circle that I will ALWAYS call my dear friends! You know who you are! Love you!
4) Being a woman of substance and integrity!!!
Workin my ass to the bone isn't always fun. Partyin' is. But I would rather know what I stand for and not have to run around from place to place wondering! So in short, no I'm not going to apologize to you ( and you know who you are) and "admit I was wrong" because I wasn't wrong for anything. And I do not wish to make peace. In fact, my life has been VERY peaceful without you! You are not the kind of person I want in my life. You are all fun and good times which is just that. But when anyone really needed ya, you were worthless. I have what I need. Thanks! Now THAT'S RealTalk!!
Oh and for any Stupid Bitches reading this, here are some foot notes for any words that you may not have understood in the above post! Sound them out slooowwwwlllyyy!!!! ; )
Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
Substance: 1.the actual matter of a thing, as opposed to the appearance or shadow; reality. 2.the subject matter of thought, discourse, study, etc.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
How to know you are dealing with a Stupid Bitch!!
Working in the public I have seen them in droves. Females who make me ashamed to have a vagina or equally important make me want to punch them in theirs for being so stupid.
I capitalized the words 'Stupid Bitch' in the title because I firmly believe this should be a proper name to describe the following women:
1.Women who point something out and ask a question about something that clearly has a sign answering their question...right in front of their finger. Stupid Bitch.
2.Women who run around like a maniac looking for something then run up to you in a panic and ask if you have said object, you take them down the same isle they have been patrolling for 15 like a war ship and it's not there. If you don't see it we don't have it. There is not a secret store room in the back, in my pocket, or otherwise. Stupid Bitch.
3.Women who can not look for or follow directional signs. Signs with arrows stating: 'THIS WAY' or HUGE lit up RESTROOM signs and then proceed to ask, "Where is the... ooohhh....hehehehehehe." You're not funny, you're a .....Stupid Bitch.
4.Women who hold up an entire line while they organize their purse. This is simply a pet peeve. Stupid Bitch.
5.Women who wear flip flops, shorts, belly shirts, skirts that show their oh-la-la with no coat in 30 degree weather and then proclaim, "It's cold." and expect me to agree and look sympathetic. No I'm going to look at you like you're an idiot because you are a.... Stupid Bitch.
6.Women who make a pit stop on their way home while doing their 'walk of shame'. At least straighten your disheveled ass out before getting out of the car. Get a brush through that hair, wipe away that eyeliner that made it's way across your face as it was pushed into the pillow an hour ago. Don't subject other people to your poor decision making just go straight home. Stupid Bitch.
7.Women who post shit on Facebook that makes them seem so profound, deep, spiritual, smart, and like they have their shit together when in reality they are THE LAST person you would ever want to take advice from because they have fucked up their life far worse than they have ever told anyone. Quit lyin to yourself. Ya hot mess, everyone else already knows the truth.....Stupid Bitch.
We were all stupid once but here's to those of us that have straightened our asses out!!!
I capitalized the words 'Stupid Bitch' in the title because I firmly believe this should be a proper name to describe the following women:
1.Women who point something out and ask a question about something that clearly has a sign answering their question...right in front of their finger. Stupid Bitch.
2.Women who run around like a maniac looking for something then run up to you in a panic and ask if you have said object, you take them down the same isle they have been patrolling for 15 like a war ship and it's not there. If you don't see it we don't have it. There is not a secret store room in the back, in my pocket, or otherwise. Stupid Bitch.
3.Women who can not look for or follow directional signs. Signs with arrows stating: 'THIS WAY' or HUGE lit up RESTROOM signs and then proceed to ask, "Where is the... ooohhh....hehehehehehe." You're not funny, you're a .....Stupid Bitch.
4.Women who hold up an entire line while they organize their purse. This is simply a pet peeve. Stupid Bitch.
5.Women who wear flip flops, shorts, belly shirts, skirts that show their oh-la-la with no coat in 30 degree weather and then proclaim, "It's cold." and expect me to agree and look sympathetic. No I'm going to look at you like you're an idiot because you are a.... Stupid Bitch.
6.Women who make a pit stop on their way home while doing their 'walk of shame'. At least straighten your disheveled ass out before getting out of the car. Get a brush through that hair, wipe away that eyeliner that made it's way across your face as it was pushed into the pillow an hour ago. Don't subject other people to your poor decision making just go straight home. Stupid Bitch.
7.Women who post shit on Facebook that makes them seem so profound, deep, spiritual, smart, and like they have their shit together when in reality they are THE LAST person you would ever want to take advice from because they have fucked up their life far worse than they have ever told anyone. Quit lyin to yourself. Ya hot mess, everyone else already knows the truth.....Stupid Bitch.
We were all stupid once but here's to those of us that have straightened our asses out!!!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Cell phone conversations you NEVER want to over hear! EVER!!
This all started with a conversation I over heard one night in a store from a young woman who was using her outside voice about her choice of household bugs! This is almost painful to write! Almost.....
1."Oh, I had bed bugs and they were so hard to get rid of."
2."Is it pussing and oozing? Well, you didn't catch it from me!" I'm not going any further with this one!
3."It couldn't possibly be MY baby!"
4."I guess I have no choice but to pay that child support."
5."Are you wearing underwear?" Oh, it's your wife on the other end? Thanx for verifying that for everyone around you buddy!
6."Does anyone have any Exlax?" Well, no not handy!!
7.Anything to do with the one night stand you had the night before and/or the size of said partner or that your "lady parts" are hurting like a mother fucker today from said encounter which by the way wouldn't make any part of you much of a "lady" considering the fact you are discussing it in public within ear shot of OTHERS! whore.
8."My period is SOOOOO heavy I filled up about 4 tampons in an hour!" Seriously, bitch I can barely stand being a woman myself I don't want to hear your problems too! STFU!
9. Gentlemen, this one is for you- "I couldn't wait for her to get out this morning I was so drunk last night I forgot I brought her home! I told her I was helping at the shelter."
10. Any break up over the phone IN PUBLIC is just in poor taste!!
1."Oh, I had bed bugs and they were so hard to get rid of."
2."Is it pussing and oozing? Well, you didn't catch it from me!" I'm not going any further with this one!
3."It couldn't possibly be MY baby!"
4."I guess I have no choice but to pay that child support."
5."Are you wearing underwear?" Oh, it's your wife on the other end? Thanx for verifying that for everyone around you buddy!
6."Does anyone have any Exlax?" Well, no not handy!!
7.Anything to do with the one night stand you had the night before and/or the size of said partner or that your "lady parts" are hurting like a mother fucker today from said encounter which by the way wouldn't make any part of you much of a "lady" considering the fact you are discussing it in public within ear shot of OTHERS! whore.
8."My period is SOOOOO heavy I filled up about 4 tampons in an hour!" Seriously, bitch I can barely stand being a woman myself I don't want to hear your problems too! STFU!
9. Gentlemen, this one is for you- "I couldn't wait for her to get out this morning I was so drunk last night I forgot I brought her home! I told her I was helping at the shelter."
10. Any break up over the phone IN PUBLIC is just in poor taste!!
Phrases that confuse the F&*^ out of me!!
Let me begin by saying, I really have no words right now. That's right, You heard it here first I'm speechless....almost!
1. "Are you shitting me?"... No, I am not! Why would I want to? I've never really understood this.
2. "Sucks balls" as in "This phone sucks balls." My understanding,from talking to several men that is, sucking balls isn't suppose to be a bad thing so why would you describe anything as such?
3. "A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush." What in the holy fuck does this mean? I haven't met one person in my ENTIRE life that can tell me what it means. I have asked several and they thought they could explain but in the end they stuttered and came up with nothing! And exactly what or whose bush are we talking about here and then throw in a bird and it all becomes pretty suspect!
1. "Are you shitting me?"... No, I am not! Why would I want to? I've never really understood this.
2. "Sucks balls" as in "This phone sucks balls." My understanding,from talking to several men that is, sucking balls isn't suppose to be a bad thing so why would you describe anything as such?
3. "A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush." What in the holy fuck does this mean? I haven't met one person in my ENTIRE life that can tell me what it means. I have asked several and they thought they could explain but in the end they stuttered and came up with nothing! And exactly what or whose bush are we talking about here and then throw in a bird and it all becomes pretty suspect!
Monday, January 23, 2012
F&*^ You V@#$%&*^%$ Day! Just F&*^ You!
February brings the arrival of my least favorite commercialized holiday. I hate it so very much that I will not even mention it's name here. Instead I will give you the reasons it's better to be single and hate this approaching day of commercial slavery.
1. It gives me more reasons to wear and expand my wardrobe of black. I NEVER wear red, pink, purple, or any other pleasant derivative on this day.
2.It is the one time a year that I make my confectionery wonder that is a heart shaped cake which reads, "FUCK V$%^&#&*^(% &^%!"
3.This year I will be making cards with nooses on them for all my dear, sweet friends. I'm sure all of you lucky recipients can't wait to get yours!
4. I get to watch a violent slasher movie instead of a romantic drama/comedy!
5. Unlike many other American women I won't have to pretend that I am madly in love with someone when they actually make me want to vomit on myself.
6. It's the one day when friends and family EXPECT you to drink yourself into a stupor by yourself! Don't call me! I'll be drinking and watching Netflix!
7. I have never been a stuffed animal person so luckily, I won't be receiving any of these preposterous creatures!!
8. It's the one day when people who know me understand why I have a scowl on my face and need not ask!
9. It gives me and my other single girls reason to get together and complain about all you bitches who are happy! Oh wait, I'm the only one attending that party this year!! Fuck all you bitches then!!!
10. At midnight on the 15th I celebrate like it's New Years!!!
1. It gives me more reasons to wear and expand my wardrobe of black. I NEVER wear red, pink, purple, or any other pleasant derivative on this day.
2.It is the one time a year that I make my confectionery wonder that is a heart shaped cake which reads, "FUCK V$%^&#&*^(% &^%!"
3.This year I will be making cards with nooses on them for all my dear, sweet friends. I'm sure all of you lucky recipients can't wait to get yours!
4. I get to watch a violent slasher movie instead of a romantic drama/comedy!
5. Unlike many other American women I won't have to pretend that I am madly in love with someone when they actually make me want to vomit on myself.
6. It's the one day when friends and family EXPECT you to drink yourself into a stupor by yourself! Don't call me! I'll be drinking and watching Netflix!
7. I have never been a stuffed animal person so luckily, I won't be receiving any of these preposterous creatures!!
8. It's the one day when people who know me understand why I have a scowl on my face and need not ask!
9. It gives me and my other single girls reason to get together and complain about all you bitches who are happy! Oh wait, I'm the only one attending that party this year!! Fuck all you bitches then!!!
10. At midnight on the 15th I celebrate like it's New Years!!!
I'm pretty sure I'm better looking than you!!!
I feel the need to revisit, if you will, a much older post. With a few revisions of course! ENJOY!!
Since I have so much experience in this department I figured instead of bitching about this sad topic any more in my life I would begin to use it as fodder for my writing because nothing makes a situation funnier than being able to laugh at yourself!! (At least that is what I will keep telling myself)
There are always those old adages: "If he's not calling you, he doesn't dig you.", "If he's not sleeping with you, he doesn't dig you," so on and so forth, but there are also the other small red flags that sometimes get ignored. Such as:
1. If he asks you for gas money to come visit YOU and you haven't been in a long term relationship.....A)he's a loser and B)he's a loser who will take ANY AND ALL of your money!
2. If he has a place of his own and you have dropped him off there, but you have never seen the inside of it and the only place you hang out with him is a friend's house AND he sleeps there on the couch like it's The Holiday Inn...yea, rethink that one as well!! Especially if he says "Oh, it's only because I need to have the utilities cut BACK on!!" Seriously???
3. If you go out for dinner or drinks and he doesn't even give a "courtesy reach" for his wallet when the bill comes...tell him you have to hit the bathroom and never look back!
4. If you meet him while he's passing through town on "business" and calls you every day of said business trip saying he is stopping through on his way back but then cancels at the last possible second while you have had dinner made for about an hour or so and then never calls you again or won't return txts, be happy he was only "passing through" and chalk it up to some kind of "Bridges of Madison County" type bullshit minus the sex. Oh and minus the love as well. Ok and minus any type of bridge. Not that this has ever happened to me, I'm just sayin.
5. If the phone mysteriously disconnects multiple times while you talk to him...EVERY TIME you talk to him maybe you should hang up too!
6. If you begin discussing books and he tells you he has read just about everything.......while he was in PRISON!! Get rid of your library card!!
7. Further along those lines if his favorite accessory is a government issued ankle bracelet....I don't need to say any more!
8. If he addresses you as "One Foxy Lady" not only is he an idiot, but he's also probably too old for you! Do you really want to pursue things and be required to see that naked? Your answer is no!
9. If he slips you a business card and then whispers, "Call me" and he has written his name and number on the back because it isn't even HIS card.......let him know he can get FREE business cards at Vistaprint since he likes them so much.
10. If he breaks up with you twice in one week, he can barely decide what he wants. Be happy he can tie his shoes or decide what to eat. Not to mention that he is probably up to no good ladies!
11.If the thought crosses your mind that you are better looking than him then you probably are and therefore too good for him. Let them keep lying to themselves about their great looks cuz apparently you did too!
12. And finally.....more than one cell phone....DRUG DEALER!!
Disclaimer:Dear Family, NO I have never dated anyone who has been in prison or has been a drug dealer. I feel the need to get that out of the way before it comes up!
Disclaimer #2: Do me wrong gentlemen and I can and will "shit all over you" on my blog! Now go cry somewhere else!
Since I have so much experience in this department I figured instead of bitching about this sad topic any more in my life I would begin to use it as fodder for my writing because nothing makes a situation funnier than being able to laugh at yourself!! (At least that is what I will keep telling myself)
There are always those old adages: "If he's not calling you, he doesn't dig you.", "If he's not sleeping with you, he doesn't dig you," so on and so forth, but there are also the other small red flags that sometimes get ignored. Such as:
1. If he asks you for gas money to come visit YOU and you haven't been in a long term relationship.....A)he's a loser and B)he's a loser who will take ANY AND ALL of your money!
2. If he has a place of his own and you have dropped him off there, but you have never seen the inside of it and the only place you hang out with him is a friend's house AND he sleeps there on the couch like it's The Holiday Inn...yea, rethink that one as well!! Especially if he says "Oh, it's only because I need to have the utilities cut BACK on!!" Seriously???
3. If you go out for dinner or drinks and he doesn't even give a "courtesy reach" for his wallet when the bill comes...tell him you have to hit the bathroom and never look back!
4. If you meet him while he's passing through town on "business" and calls you every day of said business trip saying he is stopping through on his way back but then cancels at the last possible second while you have had dinner made for about an hour or so and then never calls you again or won't return txts, be happy he was only "passing through" and chalk it up to some kind of "Bridges of Madison County" type bullshit minus the sex. Oh and minus the love as well. Ok and minus any type of bridge. Not that this has ever happened to me, I'm just sayin.
5. If the phone mysteriously disconnects multiple times while you talk to him...EVERY TIME you talk to him maybe you should hang up too!
6. If you begin discussing books and he tells you he has read just about everything.......while he was in PRISON!! Get rid of your library card!!
7. Further along those lines if his favorite accessory is a government issued ankle bracelet....I don't need to say any more!
8. If he addresses you as "One Foxy Lady" not only is he an idiot, but he's also probably too old for you! Do you really want to pursue things and be required to see that naked? Your answer is no!
9. If he slips you a business card and then whispers, "Call me" and he has written his name and number on the back because it isn't even HIS card.......let him know he can get FREE business cards at Vistaprint since he likes them so much.
10. If he breaks up with you twice in one week, he can barely decide what he wants. Be happy he can tie his shoes or decide what to eat. Not to mention that he is probably up to no good ladies!
11.If the thought crosses your mind that you are better looking than him then you probably are and therefore too good for him. Let them keep lying to themselves about their great looks cuz apparently you did too!
12. And finally.....more than one cell phone....DRUG DEALER!!
Disclaimer:Dear Family, NO I have never dated anyone who has been in prison or has been a drug dealer. I feel the need to get that out of the way before it comes up!
Disclaimer #2: Do me wrong gentlemen and I can and will "shit all over you" on my blog! Now go cry somewhere else!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Doing the "WORK"!!
Today's blog is brought to you by: Men who wanna say they do the work but bail!
This, I know, is a departure from my usual fun-lovin, good time lovin kinda post but I have to say it....
To me "doing the work" isn't about fixing my car or cleaning my house for me. It's being kind with words and considerate. And most of all...weathering the storms no matter how big or small. Take the time to understand instead of getting pissed and sayin "I'm done!" Any average guy can tuck tail and run it takes a real man to say, "You aren't right about this but we're gonna talk about it." and still stick around!
As Flo Rida says, "My mama always said I was a needle in a hay stack!"
Do the REAL work Gentlemen and come find me when you're ready! CHURCH!!
This, I know, is a departure from my usual fun-lovin, good time lovin kinda post but I have to say it....
To me "doing the work" isn't about fixing my car or cleaning my house for me. It's being kind with words and considerate. And most of all...weathering the storms no matter how big or small. Take the time to understand instead of getting pissed and sayin "I'm done!" Any average guy can tuck tail and run it takes a real man to say, "You aren't right about this but we're gonna talk about it." and still stick around!
As Flo Rida says, "My mama always said I was a needle in a hay stack!"
Do the REAL work Gentlemen and come find me when you're ready! CHURCH!!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I define My Ridiculous Life!!
So, I have received a comment wanting to know what I mean by "Harbors your soul"......I am not sure by the nature of the comment if it was being made by some know-it-all wise ass or someone with genuine interest in what MY definition is. So here we go....
harbor
noun
1.
a part of a body of water along the shore deep enough for anchoring a ship.
Why would you want your soul to be anchored to hatred?
I realize I could just say "anchored" but I like how "harbor" sounds better! And that's just how it is.
harbor
noun
1.
a part of a body of water along the shore deep enough for anchoring a ship.
Why would you want your soul to be anchored to hatred?
I realize I could just say "anchored" but I like how "harbor" sounds better! And that's just how it is.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
12 ways to pull your shit together in 12!
1. Get rid of the clutter. Throw away 5 things every day. Junk mail, the contents of your fridge, old boyfriends.....
2. You only get one life, one moment, one chance. Make it worthwhile! Do what ever makes you happy no matter what anyone else thinks! Then document the hell out of it cuz you're going to want to remember it later!
3."Resolutions" were meant to be broken! Call them goals instead. Less pressure!! (hey, it works for me! *shrug*)
4.If the one on front of you doesn't love and appreciate the person you are then the one behind them will. This one goes for the guys as well as the ladies!
5.Forgive and move on!! It's all too short to hold grudges! Grudges and hatred harbor the soul.
6.When you're down try to remember you aren't the only one feeling that way at that very moment. Take comfort in that.
7.Everyone has a gift. USE IT!! Don't be afraid to share them.
8.Everyone has a story. Stop and listen. You never know when you may need someone to listen to you.
9.Be thankful everyday!! Write down 3 things that you were thankful for that day. You'd be surprised how seeing the small things in your day were able to bring you a moment of joy even if you had a bad day overall.
10.Wish it, Dream it, Do it!!
11.Focus on another persons problems for just a little while. It helps you and them!!
12.When all else fails say, "Fuck it!" and dance it out!!
Happy New Year!!
2. You only get one life, one moment, one chance. Make it worthwhile! Do what ever makes you happy no matter what anyone else thinks! Then document the hell out of it cuz you're going to want to remember it later!
3."Resolutions" were meant to be broken! Call them goals instead. Less pressure!! (hey, it works for me! *shrug*)
4.If the one on front of you doesn't love and appreciate the person you are then the one behind them will. This one goes for the guys as well as the ladies!
5.Forgive and move on!! It's all too short to hold grudges! Grudges and hatred harbor the soul.
6.When you're down try to remember you aren't the only one feeling that way at that very moment. Take comfort in that.
7.Everyone has a gift. USE IT!! Don't be afraid to share them.
8.Everyone has a story. Stop and listen. You never know when you may need someone to listen to you.
9.Be thankful everyday!! Write down 3 things that you were thankful for that day. You'd be surprised how seeing the small things in your day were able to bring you a moment of joy even if you had a bad day overall.
10.Wish it, Dream it, Do it!!
11.Focus on another persons problems for just a little while. It helps you and them!!
12.When all else fails say, "Fuck it!" and dance it out!!
Happy New Year!!
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