February brings the arrival of my least favorite commercialized holiday. I hate it so very much that I will not even mention it's name here. Instead I will give you the reasons it's better to be single and hate this approaching day of commercial slavery.
1. It gives me more reasons to wear and expand my wardrobe of black. I NEVER wear red, pink, purple, or any other pleasant derivative on this day.
2.It is the one time a year that I make my confectionery wonder that is a heart shaped cake which reads, "FUCK V$%^&#&*^(% &^%!"
3.This year I will be making cards with nooses on them for all my dear, sweet friends. I'm sure all of you lucky recipients can't wait to get yours!
4. I get to watch a violent slasher movie instead of a romantic drama/comedy!
5. Unlike many other American women I won't have to pretend that I am madly in love with someone when they actually make me want to vomit on myself.
6. It's the one day when friends and family EXPECT you to drink yourself into a stupor by yourself! Don't call me! I'll be drinking and watching Netflix!
7. I have never been a stuffed animal person so luckily, I won't be receiving any of these preposterous creatures!!
8. It's the one day when people who know me understand why I have a scowl on my face and need not ask!
9. It gives me and my other single girls reason to get together and complain about all you bitches who are happy! Oh wait, I'm the only one attending that party this year!! Fuck all you bitches then!!!
10. At midnight on the 15th I celebrate like it's New Years!!!
Monday, January 23, 2012
I'm pretty sure I'm better looking than you!!!
I feel the need to revisit, if you will, a much older post. With a few revisions of course! ENJOY!!
Since I have so much experience in this department I figured instead of bitching about this sad topic any more in my life I would begin to use it as fodder for my writing because nothing makes a situation funnier than being able to laugh at yourself!! (At least that is what I will keep telling myself)
There are always those old adages: "If he's not calling you, he doesn't dig you.", "If he's not sleeping with you, he doesn't dig you," so on and so forth, but there are also the other small red flags that sometimes get ignored. Such as:
1. If he asks you for gas money to come visit YOU and you haven't been in a long term relationship.....A)he's a loser and B)he's a loser who will take ANY AND ALL of your money!
2. If he has a place of his own and you have dropped him off there, but you have never seen the inside of it and the only place you hang out with him is a friend's house AND he sleeps there on the couch like it's The Holiday Inn...yea, rethink that one as well!! Especially if he says "Oh, it's only because I need to have the utilities cut BACK on!!" Seriously???
3. If you go out for dinner or drinks and he doesn't even give a "courtesy reach" for his wallet when the bill comes...tell him you have to hit the bathroom and never look back!
4. If you meet him while he's passing through town on "business" and calls you every day of said business trip saying he is stopping through on his way back but then cancels at the last possible second while you have had dinner made for about an hour or so and then never calls you again or won't return txts, be happy he was only "passing through" and chalk it up to some kind of "Bridges of Madison County" type bullshit minus the sex. Oh and minus the love as well. Ok and minus any type of bridge. Not that this has ever happened to me, I'm just sayin.
5. If the phone mysteriously disconnects multiple times while you talk to him...EVERY TIME you talk to him maybe you should hang up too!
6. If you begin discussing books and he tells you he has read just about everything.......while he was in PRISON!! Get rid of your library card!!
7. Further along those lines if his favorite accessory is a government issued ankle bracelet....I don't need to say any more!
8. If he addresses you as "One Foxy Lady" not only is he an idiot, but he's also probably too old for you! Do you really want to pursue things and be required to see that naked? Your answer is no!
9. If he slips you a business card and then whispers, "Call me" and he has written his name and number on the back because it isn't even HIS card.......let him know he can get FREE business cards at Vistaprint since he likes them so much.
10. If he breaks up with you twice in one week, he can barely decide what he wants. Be happy he can tie his shoes or decide what to eat. Not to mention that he is probably up to no good ladies!
11.If the thought crosses your mind that you are better looking than him then you probably are and therefore too good for him. Let them keep lying to themselves about their great looks cuz apparently you did too!
12. And finally.....more than one cell phone....DRUG DEALER!!
Disclaimer:Dear Family, NO I have never dated anyone who has been in prison or has been a drug dealer. I feel the need to get that out of the way before it comes up!
Disclaimer #2: Do me wrong gentlemen and I can and will "shit all over you" on my blog! Now go cry somewhere else!
Since I have so much experience in this department I figured instead of bitching about this sad topic any more in my life I would begin to use it as fodder for my writing because nothing makes a situation funnier than being able to laugh at yourself!! (At least that is what I will keep telling myself)
There are always those old adages: "If he's not calling you, he doesn't dig you.", "If he's not sleeping with you, he doesn't dig you," so on and so forth, but there are also the other small red flags that sometimes get ignored. Such as:
1. If he asks you for gas money to come visit YOU and you haven't been in a long term relationship.....A)he's a loser and B)he's a loser who will take ANY AND ALL of your money!
2. If he has a place of his own and you have dropped him off there, but you have never seen the inside of it and the only place you hang out with him is a friend's house AND he sleeps there on the couch like it's The Holiday Inn...yea, rethink that one as well!! Especially if he says "Oh, it's only because I need to have the utilities cut BACK on!!" Seriously???
3. If you go out for dinner or drinks and he doesn't even give a "courtesy reach" for his wallet when the bill comes...tell him you have to hit the bathroom and never look back!
4. If you meet him while he's passing through town on "business" and calls you every day of said business trip saying he is stopping through on his way back but then cancels at the last possible second while you have had dinner made for about an hour or so and then never calls you again or won't return txts, be happy he was only "passing through" and chalk it up to some kind of "Bridges of Madison County" type bullshit minus the sex. Oh and minus the love as well. Ok and minus any type of bridge. Not that this has ever happened to me, I'm just sayin.
5. If the phone mysteriously disconnects multiple times while you talk to him...EVERY TIME you talk to him maybe you should hang up too!
6. If you begin discussing books and he tells you he has read just about everything.......while he was in PRISON!! Get rid of your library card!!
7. Further along those lines if his favorite accessory is a government issued ankle bracelet....I don't need to say any more!
8. If he addresses you as "One Foxy Lady" not only is he an idiot, but he's also probably too old for you! Do you really want to pursue things and be required to see that naked? Your answer is no!
9. If he slips you a business card and then whispers, "Call me" and he has written his name and number on the back because it isn't even HIS card.......let him know he can get FREE business cards at Vistaprint since he likes them so much.
10. If he breaks up with you twice in one week, he can barely decide what he wants. Be happy he can tie his shoes or decide what to eat. Not to mention that he is probably up to no good ladies!
11.If the thought crosses your mind that you are better looking than him then you probably are and therefore too good for him. Let them keep lying to themselves about their great looks cuz apparently you did too!
12. And finally.....more than one cell phone....DRUG DEALER!!
Disclaimer:Dear Family, NO I have never dated anyone who has been in prison or has been a drug dealer. I feel the need to get that out of the way before it comes up!
Disclaimer #2: Do me wrong gentlemen and I can and will "shit all over you" on my blog! Now go cry somewhere else!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Doing the "WORK"!!
Today's blog is brought to you by: Men who wanna say they do the work but bail!
This, I know, is a departure from my usual fun-lovin, good time lovin kinda post but I have to say it....
To me "doing the work" isn't about fixing my car or cleaning my house for me. It's being kind with words and considerate. And most of all...weathering the storms no matter how big or small. Take the time to understand instead of getting pissed and sayin "I'm done!" Any average guy can tuck tail and run it takes a real man to say, "You aren't right about this but we're gonna talk about it." and still stick around!
As Flo Rida says, "My mama always said I was a needle in a hay stack!"
Do the REAL work Gentlemen and come find me when you're ready! CHURCH!!
This, I know, is a departure from my usual fun-lovin, good time lovin kinda post but I have to say it....
To me "doing the work" isn't about fixing my car or cleaning my house for me. It's being kind with words and considerate. And most of all...weathering the storms no matter how big or small. Take the time to understand instead of getting pissed and sayin "I'm done!" Any average guy can tuck tail and run it takes a real man to say, "You aren't right about this but we're gonna talk about it." and still stick around!
As Flo Rida says, "My mama always said I was a needle in a hay stack!"
Do the REAL work Gentlemen and come find me when you're ready! CHURCH!!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I define My Ridiculous Life!!
So, I have received a comment wanting to know what I mean by "Harbors your soul"......I am not sure by the nature of the comment if it was being made by some know-it-all wise ass or someone with genuine interest in what MY definition is. So here we go....
harbor
noun
1.
a part of a body of water along the shore deep enough for anchoring a ship.
Why would you want your soul to be anchored to hatred?
I realize I could just say "anchored" but I like how "harbor" sounds better! And that's just how it is.
harbor
noun
1.
a part of a body of water along the shore deep enough for anchoring a ship.
Why would you want your soul to be anchored to hatred?
I realize I could just say "anchored" but I like how "harbor" sounds better! And that's just how it is.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
12 ways to pull your shit together in 12!
1. Get rid of the clutter. Throw away 5 things every day. Junk mail, the contents of your fridge, old boyfriends.....
2. You only get one life, one moment, one chance. Make it worthwhile! Do what ever makes you happy no matter what anyone else thinks! Then document the hell out of it cuz you're going to want to remember it later!
3."Resolutions" were meant to be broken! Call them goals instead. Less pressure!! (hey, it works for me! *shrug*)
4.If the one on front of you doesn't love and appreciate the person you are then the one behind them will. This one goes for the guys as well as the ladies!
5.Forgive and move on!! It's all too short to hold grudges! Grudges and hatred harbor the soul.
6.When you're down try to remember you aren't the only one feeling that way at that very moment. Take comfort in that.
7.Everyone has a gift. USE IT!! Don't be afraid to share them.
8.Everyone has a story. Stop and listen. You never know when you may need someone to listen to you.
9.Be thankful everyday!! Write down 3 things that you were thankful for that day. You'd be surprised how seeing the small things in your day were able to bring you a moment of joy even if you had a bad day overall.
10.Wish it, Dream it, Do it!!
11.Focus on another persons problems for just a little while. It helps you and them!!
12.When all else fails say, "Fuck it!" and dance it out!!
Happy New Year!!
2. You only get one life, one moment, one chance. Make it worthwhile! Do what ever makes you happy no matter what anyone else thinks! Then document the hell out of it cuz you're going to want to remember it later!
3."Resolutions" were meant to be broken! Call them goals instead. Less pressure!! (hey, it works for me! *shrug*)
4.If the one on front of you doesn't love and appreciate the person you are then the one behind them will. This one goes for the guys as well as the ladies!
5.Forgive and move on!! It's all too short to hold grudges! Grudges and hatred harbor the soul.
6.When you're down try to remember you aren't the only one feeling that way at that very moment. Take comfort in that.
7.Everyone has a gift. USE IT!! Don't be afraid to share them.
8.Everyone has a story. Stop and listen. You never know when you may need someone to listen to you.
9.Be thankful everyday!! Write down 3 things that you were thankful for that day. You'd be surprised how seeing the small things in your day were able to bring you a moment of joy even if you had a bad day overall.
10.Wish it, Dream it, Do it!!
11.Focus on another persons problems for just a little while. It helps you and them!!
12.When all else fails say, "Fuck it!" and dance it out!!
Happy New Year!!
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