Love thy neighbor or don't

When I moved into my apartment back in August one of the things that was important is that it is quiet. Not only because I work the graveyard shift but I also hate hearing people's mouths. The building manager assured me it was a quiet neighborhood. All I can say is, the bitch lied!
Early on I had a hint there would be problems with my neighbor when within the first week, as I was laying in the comfort of my bed in my new home, I heard groans on the other side of the wall. I was not pleased. I am drafting a note which I am considering taping to his door.
Dear Neighbor,
The following is a list of reasons why I will avoid you for the rest of my natural life:
1. Listening to your sexual exploits is less than thrilling. Not to mention unimpressive. If you have to give your partner a pep talk I can over hear during sex I suggest you stop, excuse yourself, and go in the bathroom and cry. Sad. Just sad.
2.Listening to your screams while you have nightmares is not only annoying but the pitch of your voice sounds alarmingly like a little girl. Man up. The boogie man isn't real. I promise.
3.Your sex life was made only more frightening when I actually saw what you are taking to bed. Enough said.
4. Your face is a train wreck. It looks like you shave with sand paper. My next question is why is anyone taking YOU to bed?
5. You smoke like a chimney and I can smell it through the wall in my room as you smoke in bed. Presumably after one of your lack luster performances. You're an idiot. You're going to kill us all.
6.Don't run out of your apartment anymore when you see me coming because you think it will make you look neighborly and maybe I will want to get to know you. I will NEVER want to get to know you. Especially not after hearing you yell, "WOW!!" when you climax.
Please move! Thank you! That is all!

The Holiday Buddy System (or HBS for short)

The quickly approaching holidays can really SUCK for those of us without that "special someone". I have developed (along with a friend) The Holiday Buddy System (HBS). Going into the system there are probably some key concepts you should know about your buddy to avoid a holiday meltdown (especially if your holiday buddy is of the opposite sex):
1. Some people have a problem with response time. Returning calls, txts, etc. You may want to work on your response times because your buddy is liable to down a bottle of "holiday" pills if you are taking an exorbitant or ridiculously lazy amount of time to respond. After all, Noah wrote Ally 365 letters. You can return a text!!
2. Know your Holiday Buddy's sore spots. Such as: babies, not being that "special someone", oh and that another year of their life has slid down the drain and she is still alone and not nearly as young as she used to be. (ooopppsss! O.o sorry!)
3. Know your buddy's key low times. Ex: Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve or holiday party. They may need an extra bit that day or event.
4. Keep your buddy from making key mistakes of the season like dating someone that would normally make them vomit on themselves in order to get through. Inevitably, there will be a messy break up on January 1, the 2nd at the latest!
Happy Holidays everyone!!

Just a quick one minute P.S.A.

If you still have profile pics on your FB from a relationship that ended YEARS ago, you might wanna take them down. If they haven't come back by now THEY'RE NOT GOING TO!!! LET IT GO!! Just sayin!

Just another friendly P.S.A.

Here's another word on manners because APPARENTLY not enough can be said about them!!!
When someone says, "Have a good day!" or "Hope you have a good day off!", have the common courtesy to say THANK YOU!!!
Quit sucking up all the attention around you like oxygen simply because it's there!!
Try thinking about maybe you don't deserve it all and what could you do to make yourself more worthy!! Just sayin......

Considering a career change???

Here are some new career path ideas:

1. Magician...cuz everything is more fun with a squirting flower.... wait that's a clown.
2. Clown ...because everything is more fun with a squirting flower.
3. Belly Dancer....I'm currently looking for an internship for this position. Just sayin...
4. Vampire Slayer.....for those who enjoy beating ass anyway.
5. Private Investigator....for those who enjoy snooping and looking in people's windows anyway.
6. Professional dog walker...Hey, it worked for that chic in that movie that time.
7. Groupie...if you're into drugs and meaningless sex.
8. Lion Tamer.....for those who believe they are "in touch" with the Animal Kingdom.
9. Hand model.....because it's just utterly ridiculous.
10.a "Tracer"....for those of you who have seen "Chasing Amy" you know what this is.
11. Defense against the Dark Arts Professor.....It's always everyone BUT Snape. Why not you?
12.The guy who empties septic tanks.....if you think YOUR job is bad just try his for a day!!!!

My five LEAST favorite phrases....

Everybody has them. Things you absolutely hate hearing. Mine may not so much be "phrases" as they are words that I feel people over use.

1. "I'm sorry"- to me sorry is THE most over used word in the English language. People seem to use it today as a statement of dismissal as in "I don't really care but I'm going to tell you I'm sorry because that seems like the thing to do." Me personally, just don't say anything.

2. "That sucks"- Generally, when someone is telling you something that has happened to them and it sounds pretty awful or uncomfortable chances are they already know it sucks. It may be best to not remind them.

3. "I would if I could..."- I'm sometimes guilty of this one but I will own it. Most of the time I try not to say it because honestly if you can't help in any way then don't bother saying that. Give the reason you can't help, maybe offer some suggestions then move on.

4. "Maybe"- I think everyone still finds this one slightly annoying going way back to our childhoods.

5. and finally- "Easy, peasy"- simply because I hate it!! (Mimi will now be sure to use it 10 times as much simply because I can't stand it. lol)

Bed knobs, broom handles, and mop buckets!

Dear Steve,

Please make sure you empty the mop bucket when you are finished with it. kthx!
(Hey you asked for a new blog buddy so I decided to make it purposeful) lmao!!!

"Took a sip of something poison but I'll hold on tight.."

I know I tend to be wordy, even a bit melodramatic so I will cut to the chase with this one.....
If your true friends and people who truly care about you can't love you, faults and all, then they aren't worth bothering over themselves.
Truth is, we all have a little venom in our hearts it's what a lot of people call hate, anger, and fear. (I just prefer the word venom.) That will never change, it's the nature of the beast called humanity. And it's just like your mother told you when you were younger, when they let it seep out onto others it's usually because they themselves are angry. Don't sip the poison!!!
Don't believe the venom that seeps from others. Believe those who deal with you everyday. Those who do not lie to you. Those who see the effort you make and return the gesture. Those who will be honest because they care and not just hurtful because it's easier. Those that say "talk to me" and don't back away when you do. Those who will be there for you (even at important times in their life) just as you have done for them. Those that will make an effort to trust you (even if it's hard for them)because you have trusted IN them.
Invest in those who invest in you!!!
Don't sip the poison!

I have seen the Devil and his name is Facebook!!!

There are certain things I have come to accept. There will always be more bills than money. There will always be one idiot to fuck everything up for everyone else. And Facebook will always be the Devil yet we will all still use it.
I have also determined that Facebook is just another way for us all to pass judgment on each other and piss of the people you thought were your friends.
No matter what you post or what you say there will always be SOMEONE who is offended by it. Whether it's your language, your music selections, or how often you post or don't post for that matter. How often you don't comment on their page or that you comment too much. That you talk about your kids too much or you don't have children at all therefore have nothing of value to say.
It has also become another way for us to treat each other like we're back in high school. Ever notice the same cliques that existed then still exist now. And even as adults some of these "exclusive" people still won't let you in making you feel as if you are right back in your lunch room segregated at tables according to your status. And try as you might to travel from table to table you just don't have what it takes!!
What's more....it can be the destroyer of relationships. If you had a boyfriend/girlfriend when you started your account you sure as hell won't by the end of it!!
It gives everyone a way to run their past right into the ground. Live vicariously through others and never let go of their high school football career.
Where punishment is issued in no uncertain terms by DELETION!
It has also provided endless hours of entertainment and ways to waste HOURS at work by farming, bartending, cooking, pretending you are a vampire or a gangster or creating a magical horse that flies you to another world.

Even with all of this we still use it on a daily basis!! SEE YOU THERE FRIENDS!! ;P

A PSA on Cell Phone Etiquette

Nothing annoys me more than someone who doesn't use their cell phone to it's full potential. When I say this I mean:

1. Answering someone when they txt you.
When someone asks you a direct question have the common courtesy to answer it in a timely fashion.
2. Quit blaming your lack of manners on cell phone reception! You know you are just being rude!
3. Gentlemen (and I use that term loosely here)- The cell phone can be used for more than just sexting, downloading porn, and sending ridiculous pictures that are funny to no one but you!
4. If you would rather not speak to someone let them know that INSTEAD of hitting your "ignore" button and sending them straight to voice mail EVERY time they call. You may think this will get the point across but it's rude and avoidance isn't going to solve anything because CLEARLY that person will just call again!!
5. If you are going to set a ring tone for each person in your phone then try not to make it insulting just in case that person happens to hear it someday. Even if it is an inside joke to only you!
6. Gentlemen- Another rule of thumb, don't break up with people over txt. Seriously!
7. Get off the damn phone while you are in a check out line. Self explanatory!
8. Not everyone cares about your conversation so keep it down!
9. When it says "Please turn off all cell phones" in a theater, that's what it means.
10. If you have more apps on your phone than you have phone numbers than you clearly have too much time on your hands and need a hobby.

Hi all and Thx

Just wanted to say "Hi" and Thanks to my readers in Russia, Germany, Sweden, and The United Arab Emirants!! And of course the U.S. !!!! Who knew!!!!

Non-Sensical Assholery

This next post will be a rant on men. I feel it necessary to post today's disclaimer BEFORE the blog so there is no confusion.
Disclaimer: Gentlemen- If you are sensitive to attacks on your species this may not be the post you want to read today because not only do I not care but I also don't want to hear about it. Just sayin....

There are habits of men that I have observed that ABSOLUTELY drive me crazy and we are talking aside from the usual pain in the ass stuff they do. Things that I find my self saying, "And you all think WE make no sense!

1. Men who own wallets but still insist on crumpling up their money in their pocket of folding it into tiny squares and THEN putting it in their wallet. Why bother with the wallet. It's sort of like when you guys complain to us about our purses being too big and then we can never find anything.
2. The men from the scenario above that don't bother uncrumpling or unfolding the money before they hand it to me. Is it really that hard? Thanks for the consideration ya jerk!!
3. Men with a vault full of change in their pocket who also have problems counting and hold everyone else up while they attempt to dig out five dollars in change just so they can lighten their pockets!!! Leave the freakin change at home in a jar ya dip shit! Problem solved!
4. men who insist on trying to play ridiculous games with me while I'm trying to work. You aren't cute, you are annoying and you will only manage to piss me off so don't wonder why I am then grouchy!
5. Men with nails longer than mine. This is simply just DISGUSTING and I don't understand what purpose it serves!

The Mis- Adventures of The Mimis!!

There are many strange and wonderful conversations that take place betwixt Mimi and I when we have had a few beers. Today was no exception during our impromptu hang out/ fall clean out of her basement.
Recently we decided that we want to start traveling together. (Never mind the fact that both of us are broke) we enjoy making said plans and even mapping out activities that will probably never see the light of day!
I have suggested visiting London, which I have always felt connected to. (I think I was British in another life) while Mimi wants to visit strange countries such as Brazil, Jamaica, and numerous places in South America. If there is one thing I would like to point out at this point in my diatribe is all of her choices involve countries where the police carry semi-automatic weapons and people frequently disappear into the jungle while I enjoy areas of the world where I feel safe in the fact that the police force wears funny hats.
I have never been fond of foreign government policy or places where small sects of anti-socialists drag you into the jungle and beat you to death. Mimi, on the other hand, finds this to be exciting and a challenge. If there is anyone who could talk these gun toting, non-conformists guerrillas down from their "crazy tree" it would be Mimi. Her only persuasion being, " Hey man, come on down here and have a smoke with me and maybe a shot!" Once they were out of said tree she would convince them to visit the nearest village for a beer and smoke run.
Meanwhile, I plan interesting outings such as visiting a restaurant where you dine in the dark and the maitre d is blind. To which she quickly asks, "Where do you find this shit?" and I reply, "The same place you find all the natives to go on your beer runs!"
During our cleaning spree today I asked what was with all the jungle loving travel and she answered, "I wanna go places where you can see and show skin and it just so happens that those places also believe in carrying semi-automatic weapons."
As much alike as we are she is the adventurous one and I am the "safety girl". She provides the fun and I keep us out of jail!!
Disclaimer: I can not be personally held responsible for the content or spelling errors of this post!!

Put a bag on your head! It would be an improvement!

Have you ever looked at a picture of an ex-boyfriend, lover, whatever you call yours and thought, "Holy shit! He looks like a crackhead!!" Just sayin.....

The most RIDICULOUS things I have ever heard on the Graveyard shift!

Along with my top ten lists of The Graveyard shift I am also frequently the victim of what I like to call "Hostage Situation Conversations". This is when a person continually prattles about topics of which they CLEARLY have no knowledge and REFUSE to allow you to return to your work.
During these "conversations" I have learned many useful/interesting things such as:

1. "The problem with America is milk and creamer. It's killing everyone."..... You know what else is killing me? The sound of your voice.
2. The same individual also revealed the secret of long life to me and me alone!!!.... "If you snort organic Silver it will cure anything you have wrong with you!".... Yes, mostly because you will be DEAD!!
3. "I have a ranch in Texas with pure gold railings along the stairs. I can take you away from all of this!".......GREAT!! Send me that PURE GOLD railing so I can pay some bills and get away....far away from you!!
4."It's ok if you are crazy as long as you are pretty!" O.o
5."How do I get out of the parking lot?" Well, ya fuckin moron,how the hell did you get in? Try laying a trail of breadcrumbs next time!
6."I'm going to hypnotize you to believe that I am the most attractive man alive and you want me.....is it working?" This should be self explanatory to all my readers because you all know I just walked away without a word.

You are responsible for your rose. Let no one wilt or wither your bloom.

Life in general!

As much as I believe, right now at least, that nothing lasts forever, I am inspired to ASPIRE to new heights and hopes when I watch my friends succeed and aim their life in a positive direction. Let nothing break you. Not a relationship, not your job, or out side forces you can not control.
Everything is part of a greater plan. Everything you do and every relationship you have that strives or fails is there to lead you to where you are supposed to be.
Pay attention to the small things because you never know when things might change.
Ups and downs come and go but one thing is for certain they are there for you to prove to yourself what you are made of, which is usually more than you give yourself credit for!
Take joy in the small things when everything else seems to be going wrong.
Love your family, love your true friends, and most importantly love yourself. Only you can do that best!

"How ever far away I will always love you. how ever long I stay I will always love you. What ever words I say you know I will always love you."

John Cougar was full of shit!!!

Last year I moved to a small town and consequently took a job here so there was less of a commute. Living in a small town has it's plus and minuses.
For instance:
The town I live in INSISTS on setting off the air sirens every time there is an accident, fire, or a dog pisses! They also set off these sirens at 12 noon everyday AND the first Tuesday of every month. Supposedly, the 1st Tuesday thing is to test that the sirens are in working order. My line of thinking is if they are setting them off that much I don't think the 1st Tuesday is really necessary. The noon siren, they say, is what they used to use to let the farmers know it was time to go in for lunch. I'm pretty sure most of today's farmers own watches and maybe they could consult that instead of waiting for an air raid siren. I feel like I'm living in Silent fucking Hill!! I keep waiting for the paint on my walls to bubble and crack and the gate to Hell to open!! (-)
Other than the scream of these sirens it is very quiet. (+)
Everyone and I mean EVERYONE knows or WANTS to know your business (-)
Stories of locals being tazored is pretty entertaining. (+)
But when it's the same locals being tazored alllll the time, it's loses it's humorous quality. (-)
Those of you who live in a small town know there is ABSOLUTELY NO measure of anonymity. Everybody and their friggin brother will wave AND say hello to you. Consequently, you are expected to be "friendly" back even if you don't feel like it. This doesn't work out for those of us who are not a "people" person. (-)
One of the greatest things about my stint in Vegas was that the entire time I lived there I ran into exactly one person I knew while out in public. No one there waves wildly at you from the other side of a parking lot much less speaks to you in public. In fact, it is strongly advised that you DO NOT become overly friendly while out and about in public there. Don't ask.
While the population sign posted at the town limit boasts upwards of several thousand you inevitably only see the same 5 people ALLLLL the time. (-)
The local supermarket is so small and ridiculous you need a passport to go in. (-)
The town FINALLY does away with grocery store so small you could barely turn around therefore negating the need for said passport. (+)
Once a member of a small town it sucks you in like a black hole without hope of escape damning you to a life of missing teeth, John Deere equipment, and overalls as the latest fashion. (-)
Eventually, you may grow accustomed to it and maybe even enjoy it for a time...just not forever! (+) :)

Cutting the ties that bind......

So, lately I find myself in a very good place. I'm happy, healthy (for the most part), I have good family and friends, and I'm gainfully employed (which is better than a lot of American people these days). As I drove around today running errands I thought about what it has taken me to get here.
Money problems, job woes, bad relationships, the end of friendships, the beginning of new ones, and the realization that life will always go on and it's not as bad as it may seem.
I've had to cut a lot of people out of my life and along with them, people who knew them. People I thought were friends, but in the end cared nothing about me or how their actions or words may have affected me.
I, in turn, have done things that aren't my proudest moments and that I am sorry for, but that have helped teach me the lessons I needed to learn about my own life and about me as a person. A one time friend said it best: "Desperation is a stinky cologne." Of course they also said: "Don't be desperate just be angry." which may work for some, but I would rather just be HAPPY!!
Understanding of myself may have come late, but at least it came.
Consider yourself lucky because chances are you might be!!!

Mirror, Mirror .......

It's absolutely amazing to me that you could be wearing dishrags and some guys will still hoot and holler at you! Good to know even when I look like hot garbage I still look good to some random fool!

Death at the doorstep......

It is with great sadness that I announce the demise of the Orb Weaving spider, who I have affectionately named Monty. Monty passed away today just outside his/her home at 2pm. It appears Monty was getting too big for his/her britches and created a web OVER my door. Since this simply will not do.... I killed him. Yes, that's right, I sprayed him/her with insect killer (You must be kidding if you thought I was going to touch that thing!!) Monty is survived by 1000 children. His/her parents preceded him/her in death last fall. There is no memorial or burial planned. If you would like to send flowers you may send them to me, I prefer roses. Adios Monty!

If my dog could talk.....

Those of you who know me know I own a lovable 5 lb. black Chihuahua named Osa Leon which I adopted during my stint in Vegas. I know, I know ...a Chihuahua....I hear it all the time! He's not your ordinary Chihuahua, he's a good boy and very sweet!
Those of you who know me ALSO know I enjoy personifying him as my personal secretary (complete with glasses and pen), A ladies man roaming the neighborhood in search of a conquest (complete with mysterious accent), or general smart ass!
Then I realized, if this dog could talk he would probably have some seriously fucked up things to say that would tell you something about me and what he thinks of me:

1. "Why do they keep speaking Spanish to me? I was born in the United States."
2. "Listen buddy, I'm not going to bother getting to know you because you'll be gone in a month anyway, so just throw that stuffed squirrel a few more times and we're good!"
3. "Please tell me you're not a drummer?"
4. "Why the hell does this kid keep calling me JoJo? Who the fuck is JoJo?"
5. "I'd be nice to me if I were you pal cuz I'm pretty sure I'm not going anywhere!"
6. "Remember the incident with your favorite purse, Mom? Yea, it was me. Who did you think it was? There was no one else around."
7. "You may want to rethink that outfit, mom....and the hair.... in fact you may want to rethink leaving the house at all today."
8. "Another night staying in, huh? God you lead an exciting life!"
9. "Secretly I believe you will be a spinster and I will out live you. Chances are they will find you 6 weeks after you've died and I will have to eat you to survive."
10. "Listen Bitch quit personifying me. I don't want to be your fuckin secretary !"

New name, same great taste!!

So, for the last few days I have been thinking about changing the blog name. I feel like I have already outgrown "The Little Red Bouncy Ball" and I've always thought "My Ridiculous Life" had a nice ring to it. (Sort of in the air of My So-Called Life....minus the teen angst...and Jared Leto) Let's face it, even I have to admit my life is RIDICULOUSLY hilarious sometimes!!!
Farewell my Little Red Bouncy Ball. You have served me well.
And now.............

WELCOME TO MY RIDICULOUS LIFE!!!


Disclaimer: Before some wise ass brings it up, yes, I know the word "ridiculous" is misspelled in the web address. The correct spelling was not available.

I don't think anyone has informed the girl standing in front of me that fanny packs went out long ago!

Life struggles are like moving heavy furniture, unneccesary and a HUGE pain in the ass!

Everything I needed to know I learned from Mimi!

Last night as Mimi and I sat discussing life and other general topics over cheeseburgers and fries I said, "We complete each other. You ground me". Not in the Tom Cruise/ Renee Zelleweger manner, but in a great friendship way. She told me she had recently said to her hubby, "I don't like to take things away from my girlfriends." Meaning- she is dedicated to her friendships. (Remember I mentioned in another post: Mimi is a fierce friend.) Which led me to thinking, I have learned a lot from my Mimi:

1.It's ok to "just say no". I, like Mimi, have somewhat of a problem saying no to people. But when Mimi came back into my life I started to think about the fact that I have to take better care of me. There are too many people and relationships that just suck the life right out of you and leave you hollow. Wondering wtf just happened.

2.I don't need a man to "complete me". I can complete myself or allow my friendships and relationships in other areas to nourish me.

3.Sometimes making a "To-do list" is a good thing! haha

4.The heart has no limits or boundaries, there is room for everyone. Each friendship can mean something different to a person, but all be as equally important.

5.There is never an end to a great friendship. Maybe just a hiatus. ;p

6. Big erasers are for life mistakes and it's ok to forget them and forgive yourself.

7. Some days are just going to be a waste of make-up and that's how it is.

8. A good girlfriend will just pick up the phone, say "hello", and begin listening without interruption or thoughts in the back of her head of "I can't get a word in edge wise".

9. You each have talents you can share and teach the other. I thought there was nothing Mimi didn't already know, but I was actually able to teach her a skill she had no idea about.

10. Last and certainly never least in my book, my mad cooking skills. Together we have perfected a mean quesadilla, casseroles, and a love of dip!

These are the things I lost sight of during our "hiatus", but was able to quickly regain. Oh there is one thing I forgot:

11. A great friendship will always pick up right where it left off without missing a beat!

I have to question the manhood of a guy who drinks coffee through a straw.

You're dating/sleeping with or CONSIDERING an IDIOT!!

Since I have so much experience in this department I figured instead of bitching about this sad topic any more in my life I would begin to use it as fodder for my writing because nothing makes a situation funnier than being able to laugh at yourself!! (At least that is what I will keep telling myself)
There are always those old adages: "If he's not calling you, he doesn't dig you.", "If he's not sleeping with you, he doesn't dig you," so on and so forth, but there are also the other small red flags that sometimes get ignored. Such as:
1. If he asks you for gas money to come visit YOU and you haven't been in a long term relationship.....A)he's a loser and B)he's a loser who will take ANY AND ALL of your money!
2. If he has a place of his own and you have dropped him off there, but you have never seen the inside of it and the only place you hang out with him is a friend's house AND he sleeps there on the couch like it's The Holiday Inn...yea, rethink that one as well!! Especially if he says "Oh, it's only because I need to have the utilities cut BACK on!!" Seriously???
3. If you go out for dinner or drinks and he doesn't even give a "courtesy reach" for his wallet when the bill comes...tell him you have to hit the bathroom and never look back!
4. If you meet him while he's passing through town on "business" and calls you every day of said business trip saying he is stopping through on his way back but then cancels at the last possible second while you have had dinner made for about an hour or so and then never calls you again or won't return txts, be happy he was only "passing through" and chalk it up to some kind of "Bridges of Madison County" type bullshit minus the sex. Oh and minus the love as well. Ok and minus any type of bridge. Not that this has ever happened to me, I'm just sayin.
5. If the phone mysteriously disconnects multiple times while you talk to him...EVERY TIME you talk to him maybe you should hang up too!
6. If you begin discussing books and he tells you he has read just about everything.......while he was in PRISON!! Get rid of your library card!!
7. Further along those lines if his favorite accessory is a government issued ankle bracelet....I don't need to say any more!
8. If he addresses you as "One Foxy Lady" not only is he an idiot, but he's also probably too old for you! Do you really want to pursue things and be required to see that naked? Your answer is no!
9. If he slips you a business card and then whispers, "Call me" and he has written his name and number on the back because it isn't even HIS card.......let him know he can get FREE business cards at Vistaprint since he likes them so much.
10. And finally.....more than one cell phone....DRUG DEALER!!
Disclaimer:Dear Family, NO I have never dated anyone who has been in prison or has been a drug dealer. I feel the need to get that out of the way before it comes up!

What is it with old men and jelly beans? I don't get it...

"Crazy", like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder!

Closure sucks when you can't get any, but sometimes even worse when you do.

LIVE from my phone..........

Look out this could get interesting!! I can now blog directly from my phone!!! The "graveyard shift" is about to get REAL interesting!!
While I'm here...why is it SO HARD for some people to answer direct questions? Such as: "Have I offended you?" or "Are you ok?". Let's just say this: S.S. you are rude! Just rude!! Thank you, that is all!

32 flavors and then some.....

1. I have at least 100 laughs and if you are lucky enough maybe you will know me well enough to have heard them all.
2. Hatred is useless. It harbors your soul.
3. I am a fierce friend, the fiercest I have met.(other than Mimi)
4. I will ALWAYS stand up for the "little man".
5. As mentioned in another blog post "I lay my own shit bare" because there's no better way.
6. I won't say anything behind your back that I wouldn't say to your face!
7. Because ...the truth is always more fun!
8. I don't hold grudges for very long, but I only give so many chances.
9. Once you have burned that bridge with me you are done.
10. I know my downfalls and don't usually need them pointed out.
11. Because...I'm hardest on myself.
12. Admitting when you are wrong is a sign of strong character in my book.
13. If the answer is NO I will usually find a way around it!
14. I'm never afraid to show my emotions.
15. In general, I'm not afraid of anything or anyone!
16. I can be a best friend or a horrid enemy,
17. but I will still help even an enemy in need.
18. I will always listen as well as I talk.
19. My emotions are often worn on my face,
20. while my heart is worn on my sleeve.
21. I am my own worst critic,
22. but I have no problem telling you what I know I can do very well!
23. My heart is very big,
24. but my huge heart is what sometimes gets me in trouble.
25. I believe when one door closes another will always open somewhere.
26. I'm STILL hoping I get better at recognizing my mistakes as I get older.
27. I have "child like" enthusiasm at times.
28. I am highly under estimated by others at times
29. and sometimes I surprise even myself!
30. It's very easy for me to see the worst in other people. Sometimes it's a gift, but most of the time a curse.
31. I'm trying to fix all of that.
32. I will always be JUST ME and if you don't like it.....F@#$ OFF!

Shut-ins, vampires, the Living Dead, and new spidey friends!

So, I am now moved into my new humble dwellings which are roommate and boyfriend free! (free from her and hers that is)
I wasn't sure how I would adjust to being alone again, but I actually forgot how much I like it. Being in a stress free environment is AUH-MAZING!! (as my sis from anotha miss. would say)
I'm already writing again, which is excellent!
I don't know too much about the neighbors yet and I have a feeling I won't as they ALL appear to be shut-ins or vampires and I have yet to see any of them aside from one. Which is perfectly fine with me.
Aside from that single, solitary neighbor who apparently is NOT part of the living dead, the only other creature I ever see is the Orb Weaving Spider which has taken up residence outside my door. Typically, I hate spiders ..ok actually I flip out when I see one, but I digress....but I noticed this not so tiny creature was there every night basking under the moonlight as I left for work, but it and it's entire web were gone in the morning when I returned. After a little fascination and research I discovered what he/she is and I have decided to go against the better judgement of my best friend Mimi who instructed me to take a can of hairspray and a lighter to it. (I have to admit that was my first inclination too)
And the only noise to speak of came last night at about 3 am when I could hear the next door neighbor.....let's just say that must have been having one hell of a dream because he was making quite a racket!! hahaha At least that's what I hope I was hearing otherwise I need to run bleach through my ears!
These are the ramblings of my new stress free home and life!! (for now at least! hahaha)

The eve of my 36th year!!

So, right now I am about 3 hours and 7 minutes away from my 36th birthday. (I have no problem admitting my age because ..well, let's face it, I don't look it!hahahaha)
The last couple of years I've decided that my "New Year" starts on my birthday. After all, it is the start of the next year of your life, right? With that in mind maybe it's better to make resolutions on your birthday instead of New Year's Eve!
Typically I don't make New Year's resolutions anyway because very few are ever kept. Instead in the past years I have made "goals" for myself which I guess is the same thing, but to me it's less pressure if I don't call it a resolution! lol
This year however, I resolve to be kinder to myself and to take it easy a little bit, maybe not stress so much. And to hopefully not sweat the small stuff so much. I need to take better care of ME.
In the last moments of my 35th year I have learned that I am allowed to be happy and at peace no matter what anyone else thinks of me or what I have done. People make mistakes and it's not just me. Sometimes people aren't able to take a good look at themselves and that's not my problem or my fault. Stick close to what you know and "do you"! Celebrate yourself because no one else will do it better than you can!
Once this move is over I need to get back to what I enjoy which is writing and maybe produce something really cool! ;p
Just a note: This will be the last blog until I get internet set up at the new place! Stay tuned!! And Happy Birthday to ME!!

Irony and the sense of it.....

When you think about your whole life, did you ever think it would be like this? For good, bad, or indifferent.
Certain situations never quite turn out the way you envisioned they would. In fact, you could NEVER in a hundred years have imagined it going so wrong.
And the irony is....it all starts out so well and ends in shambles.
What's more is you learn one of THE most important lessons about yourself you may ever learn. So, out of the chaos and upset comes the beautiful flower.
If you do nothing else in life try to learn one lesson from every situation and take it away like a souvenir.

Besties, soulmates, and other wild concepts!!

Soul mates:
–noun
a person with whom one has a strong affinity.

Most people would associate the term soul mate with a husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. This is what I used to believe too. Then I heard an interesting concept, perhaps in a movie.
A lot of us have someone we term our "best friend", but this may be just another way to say "soul mate". Our best friends are the people who know the best and worst of us. Our dirty little secrets, our most hilarious stories, our secret hopes and dreams. Your best friend is someone who encourages you when everyone else has given up or could careless so why wouldn't it be possible that they could also be your soul mate? Your best friend is the one person who sticks by you no matter how many people have come and gone in your life, they remain the constant.
A friend may leave your life for a period of time, but a true one will always come back no matter how long it takes. And when that friendship can pick up right where it left off without a beat you know it is a true and lasting relationship.
To me the term no longer needs to have a romantic attachment to it, it simply means someone who knows me inside and out and still likes me and will always have my best interests at heart. This is for my Mimi!! :p

Mis-Adventures of the Graveyard shift part deux!!

Because the first post was so damn good I thought I would follow it up with more random thoughts on graveyard clientele.

1. Please make sure your zipper is up BEFORE you step through the door. As entertaining as you think it may be, it makes me want to vomit on myself. just sayin...
2. I really LOVE it when you hand me crumpled money and proceed to tell me how it's been in your pocket all day long while you were sweating!!! You can be sure I will make a spectacle out of not only uncrumpling said money, but also sanitizing my hands in front of you so you know what a pig I think you are!!
3.Yes, that is $4.00 and has been the last 4 times you counted it. Get your ass back to kindergarten.
4. Don't complain to me about the air conditioning or how cold you are. You're here for 5 minutes, I'm here for 8 hours. Get over it.
5. You aren't curing a disease the longer you wander around, get your shit and get out!
6. If you come in after 12am looking like a $10 hooker chances are you are one and SOMEONE will point it out to you. It's not my problem and I'm not going to correct them because in my mind I agree. So, put your cloths on BEFORE you leave the house.
7. There's nothing worse than a cowboy trying to be Rock~n~Roll. Please leave.
8. Most of your jokes are not funny by 2am. Don't bother I will only muster up a fake laugh for you and walk away.
9.Here's the thing I want you to realize...if you don't see it WE DON'T HAVE IT!!!
10. And of course my all time favorite.... the restroom is STILL in the same place it was last time. UNDER THAT HUGE BRIGHT SIGN!!! It's like staring directly into the sun for cripe's sake!!

Remember.......

"What we do in life echos in eternity"

This is for the next 979!!!

They say it took Edison over a 1000 tries to perfect the light bulb. When asked about how it felt to fail that many times he said, "I didn't fail, I discovered a 1000 ways it didn't work."
So much of this holds true for many today.
The hard part is remembering it isn't about failing it's about recognizing how it didn't work and how to make it better the next time around.
The concept was hard for me to see this in every day life, but I think it's starting to peek it's little head around the corner. It can apply to so many things in life from business or personal quests to relationships.
There are a 1000 ways to fail at everything, but it's about seeing what you did last time that didn't work and how NOT to do the same shit again that will lead you to where you want to be.
Like I said, it's been hard for me to recognize how I was creating the ways in which I was not succeeding at what I need or want to achieve personally. But one day it just clicks and you know!! I'm starting to see the things I have done in the past that were preventing me from going forward.
It doesn't matter what others tell you you are doing wrong or how to fix it, YOU have to be the one to recognize it and want to acknowledge the ways to change it.
Like Eddie Vedder said, "I changed by not changing at all."
This is dedicated to number 18 and to my good friend T.O.. Thank you so very much!

Circle of friends!

I've been pondering this the last few days, especially with the coming and going of so many people in my life lately.
It's surprising to me, even as an adult, how people come and go so quickly in one's life.
There are so very few true friends left out there. Atleast, not many who are willing to weather the storm with you. I have found lately,like a lot of other relationships today, people take friendship too lightly . Just about everything is disposable. When did good, well intending people become so replaceable?
I remember when I was younger I was told the company I keep was a reflection of the type of person I am. At the time I don't think I understood the meaning of this statement. I figured, what was the big deal. It's one of those lessons that becomes clearer as you grow older. Even now that I am older (MUCH older) I can still see that lesson in situations around me.
Your friends become your family much like your own true family. And in the end you are what you hang with. Some families are happy, healthy, fun loving people while others are dysfunctional, enablers who much like their other members really don't see outside their little circle what's really going on. And when an outsider tries to join, it just doesn't work. That "family" has already worked out their dynamic and outsiders usually don't get it and many times don't want to. Which is why most of the people in that particular "family" have come together in the first place.
There have been people that have come into my life lately that claimed we would remain friends and yet I was met with a cold shoulder when I tried to remain friendly or in touch which I found annoying and insulting. Then I realized, I may miss certain aspects about the group, but there were others that I don't miss and much like I said before I don't get as an "outsider" of the group.
My circle of friends may be smaller, but I am quite happy that way. Those that I have CHOSEN as my "family" I would never trade for the world. They are the ones most like ME and have helped me to weather many a storm in my incredibly ridiculous life. Here's to true friends and all those who truly love who YOU are!

Your rose!

"You are responsible forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose."- The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exup�ry

Solution vs. Soultion

A friend of mine recently said, "Here's a soultion...." I'm not sure if this was a typo or intentional, either way it stands true. As they say there is a "solution to everything", but isn't a "soultion" so much better? It got me thinking what is MY soultion? What will heal my soul? I may not have all the answers all the time or immediately, but I think I am coming up with my answer slowly and surely! Ponder and discuss.

Mis-Adventures of the Graveyard shift.....

Generally speaking, the Graveyard shift anywhere is a treat to behold. The freaks DO come out at night and they usually show up where I'm working.
I've come to find there are some certainties in working the "grave"
1. People are as big of bastards as they are during the day.
No one, wants to awake at this hour. If we say "Good Morning" to you is it really that hard to say it back? Here's your answer: NO!!
2. Men generally believe night shift is open season for proposition. The females who work night shift are not interested in your typically dirty, unshaven, stankin', night crawling ass. No matter how much you claim you make, it could never be enough!!
3. People tend to believe night time is the RIGHT TIME!! No, I will not hug you!! You are a stranger and what did our mothers tell us about strangers.
4. People pay no more attention at night than they do during the day. Where is the rest room you ask? Why it's under that GIANT sign that is lit up which reads RESTROOM and coincidentally you stared directly at it 3 times already.
5. I know you see me standing right there cleaning so when you make a mess, look directly at me , and walk away please know I'm hoping fleas infest your crotch!
6. I am not MAPQUEST!! No, I don't know how far it is to Georgia from here.
7. When you are offered a bag don't bother responding, "No, thx I left her at home." I've heard that peach about a thousand times and I'm really sure you're wife, who tolerates you on a regular basis and probably has for the majority of her life, would really appreciate hearing you say that!

Relax, relate, release!!!!

Sometimes disappointment and let down are just the things you need to get strong again in other areas. Clearing a path to victory and one's desires using a force of will and strength in focus! The worst is over and I can take what I have learned and put it toward a new goal and plan!!! Breath deep....relax, relate, release!!! Bounce, bounce, bounce kids!!

Own your own bullshit!!

I've been going over and over what I wanted to write in my head for the last eight hours. What is the measure of a responsible adult?
There are many ways to answer that question. To some it's going to work everyday, to others it's taking care of your children, to me it's those things, but it's also OWNING UP TO YOUR OWN BULLSHIT!! To me that is a true measure of character be it man or woman.
Every single individual today has some kind of "issue". If they tell you they don't then their issue would be lying wouldn't it?
When I say "issue" I mean to say personal drama or bullshit or characteristic that is problematic.
Do I have "issues"? Shit, I have a subscription!!! I never denied that I do. My past tends to invade my present and I act out when I feel disrespected. Am I always being disrespected? No, probably not so that would be the interpretation in my own head that I need to work on. I lay my own shit bare because that is what I believe in.
A high school friend who shall remain nameless (Bubba) recently told me the greatest thing about me is I have not changed who I am over the years. I still speak my mind, I'm still true to who I am and this is who I will be until the day I die. I am honest and upfront about myself, I live in the open. In turn, I'm honest about what I see around me even if what I say is not popular or taken well. Has it bit me in the ass? Sure it has, many times, but I will not stop being who I am. Could I learn more tact? Sure, couldn't we all in certain areas. For some that may be taking others feelings into consideration or not needlessly twisting things that are said so they aren't in trouble later.
People make mistakes, but the biggest deal is OWNING THEM!! Don't just preach to others how they should be dealing with their life especially if you can't own your own shit because you really have no room or business to be doing so. It's an ongoing process for most and it doesn't just stop one day, you may have to work at it all your life and that's ok. I've been workin on my shit for years, but I never deny it! OWN YOUR BULLSHIT!!! Just sayin......

THAT WAS MY SPOON!!!

Just sayin..........

Sound advice from a not always so wise woman....

Sometimes ...no matter what you do...you're wrong.
Every mistake, every broken heart, every tear, leads you to where you are supposed to be.
You can't make someone feel something they just don't, no matter how much you want it. No matter how right it feels to you. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just walk away. All intentions..good,bad, or indifferent will eventually come to light and all you can do is hope you are wiser for it.

Bringin' it back....alllll the way back!!!

So, after a lengthy hiatus I'm back. I've decided that I need to get back in the swing of writing and it may be just the thing I need to make me feel better these days. Hence the new blog title: Little Red Bouncy Ball...most of you who know me well know that I may get down, but I bounce like a ball and bring it all the way back!!
I know some of you have missed me and others have reported me to the internet authorities that be, so I will ask nicely this time that you don't!!! The blog will now be public so there shouldn't be a need to. Besides- I think I know which one of you it was, I don't want to mention names or anything, but no hard feelings Dbag! lol.
I will be archiving all the oldies but goodies that so many of you were fond of and going from there!
See you soon kiddies!!

"They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no,no,no"

ATTENTION READERS: Yes, I am aware I need to attend myself! Don't bother commenting!kthx!
It is my firm belief that there should be a "Relationship Rehab" for men (and for women for that matter)
There would be little white cots in a group area for the minor cases, private rooms for the men that really need work, and a segregated area for the more extreme cases.
Minor cases would consist of those who fuck up "occasionally", but make the SAME mistakes consistently. i.e. simply not thinking before they act or speak and trouble keeping their word.
Mediocre cases would be those who have no consideration in their decision making and lack general respect for women's feelings.
SEVERE cases would consist of those who cheat, lie, speak harshly and without love. etc. to women over and over and over again.
All patients would be required to work one on one with female counselors and submit to "field testing".
Field testing would consist of a mock relationship of 3 months or more, depending on the severity of the case, where they would be expected to exhibit new learned habits from group therapy and one on one sessions with counselors.
Women's Rehab would consist of therapy sessions and work shops on getting over dead beat men, moving on, being attracted to the RIGHT kind of man, letting go of a relationship when it's over, sticking up for herself, not acting like a psycho, and being more independent.

Interesting but ineffective ways to ask me on a date!~archive~

I've had my share of invitations, I have to admit, but not all of them are memorable and some of them are memorable for the WRONG reasons!! Sometimes I wonder if these guys are serious and what they were taught about dating growing up.
I long for the days when it was simple like "Will you go out with me? Yes or No (check one)"
Black and white and right to the point which is how I like things! No confusion and nothing left open ended in case one or the other party finds something better to do.
I started thinking of the more interesting ways in which I have been "pursued":

1.Leaving a note on my windshield. I understand you didn't have enough courage to approach me directly and speak to me and while this is an interesting option it is slightly stalker-ish. Rest assured I will throw your note on the ground for another lucky woman to find and I'm sure she will automatically assume it was for her since all it said was, "I seen you round the neighborhood and I'd like to get to know ya. Here's my number hit me up." BTW-your proper use of grammar was also impressive.

2.Writing on my To-do list at work. It would have been flattering for a moment except it said, "Date with ________= priceless". Wow that's really romantic and just what every woman is looking for. You really think a lot of yourself, don't you? So much so that I know you have been using the same technique on almost all the women there. Here's a hint: You're not that impressive and neither is your technique. Take a class or better yet, get some!!!

3.And probably the simplest: yelling an invitation at me from afar! There isn't enough that can be said about yelling, "Hey baby, you're hot! Can I get your number?" Like Erin Brokovich said,"I'm full of numbers" for instance 35..that's my age, .48 that's the balance in my checking account, or here's one for you 4..that's the number of jobs I've had in the last 2 years.

Keep it simple, gentleman!

10 ways to ensure you will never get a second date with me! ~archive~

And sometimes they don't even make it to the first date. It may seem like I'm picky, but I just know what I want. I run a tight ship so come prepared!

1. Being wishy-washy!
If you ask me out and then as the said date approaches you say: "Well, I can't tell you either way if I'm going." then you obviously have no real interest at all. Please find someone else's time to waste because mine is important. Thank you!
2. Not making conversation during the date.
If you sit there and stare around the restaurant and having nothing intelligent to say or ask then chances are you are not to begin with. Just sayin.
3. Not making an attempt to get to know me.
If all you can talk about is yourself then you can go on the date .......by yourself.
4. Being cheap on the first date.
Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not saying exorbitant amounts need to spent, but if your idea of a good date is Wendy's you may need to step it up for the first date. Save Wendy's for after we have been dating a few months and I don't care what I look like around you.
5. Being disagreeable.
I heard somewhere once that arguing on a first date shows passion between the couple, but I tend to find it a bad sign and generally annoying.
6. Not offering opinions on where we should go or what we should do. Don't leave it all up to me because I'm pretty sure I won't be on this date alone. Here again, just sayin.
7. Looking at other women.
It's just rude. Enough said.
8. Hitting on the waitress. (see above)
9. Complaining about my taste in movies.
This is something near and dear to my heart. Don't insult me.
10. Being mean to my dog.
I'm pretty sure I would get rid of you because he is not going anywhere.

CAUTION: This blog may contain strong language intended for adults only and run on sentences. ~archive~

So, as most of you know I work in retail. Not the most glamorous job, but as we all know with the economy the way it has been those "glamorous" jobs are already taken my people with drug problems like Lyndsey Lohan and Whitney Houston.
I'm pretty sure there isn't a 9 year old anywhere that has ever said, "I really want to work retail when I grow up and for the rest of my life live in servitude to some money mongering big wig who has absolutely no idea who their employees actually are, but spends the money he could be paying his hard working employees on his new hair plugs", I know I never said that. I'm pretty sure at that age I wanted to be a fashion designer or something equally fabulous.
Anyway- working with the public really shows you just how ignorant and rude people really are.
A lot of people, it would seem, think that this is all we have going for us, that most of us have no degree or other interests or that we could possibly be any good at anything outside of asking, "May I help you?".
In all actuality, most of us DO have degrees, some of us even have multiple degrees or are currently seeking more than one. And MOST of us are able to speak with moderate intelligent when asked a polite, direct, INTELLIGENT question.
We are not the dregs of society as some would like to treat us, so I have come up with a check list for everyone of proper shopping etiquette:
1. Please for the love of God, when addressing someone in retail NEVER insinuate they are of lower intelligence simply because they work retail or because they are a FEMALE working retail. This might end with you receiving a punch in the nuts if ever seen out in public aside from our place of employment.
2. DO NOT ALLOW your children (the angels that they may be) to walk up to our displays and knock them over while you look on. Then consequently turn around and ask the employee if there is a problem. OF COURSE THERE IS A PROBLEM YOU BITCH! You wouldn't have asked that obvious question if there wasn't.
3. Don't be a dirty whore and ask the fitting room attendant if you can try on underwear. Come on are you serious?
4. You may think that screaming and making a scene about not getting your way in the store will get you exactly what you want, but guess what? We don't give a fuck. If you don't shop there again oh fuckin well, you are only one person.
5. If your kid is throwing a fit and has been for the last 45 minutes while you pretended it wasn't going on, please remove yourself from the store. I'm pretty sure the employees are not the only ones who want to shank you.
6. No, we do not serve wine in the fitting room. This is not 5th Avenue.
7. The fitting room attendant is not your mother, turn your fuckin cloths out right side yourself.
8. Put shit back where you got it. I'm pretty sure that pair of jeans doesn't belong hanging on that jewelry spinner asshole.
9. If you did crack today please stay at home.
10. Please shower before coming to our establishments. If we have to smell good so should you!
And there you have it all the things that we wish we could say out loud.
WOW! I really got myself worked up didn't I? But in closing I would also like to say: Here is to jobs that pay the bills!!!

Jerkwadds and Jackbags!! ~archive~

Here's an oldie, but a goodie kids. This is a snip-it from another blog I used to write for. WARNING: If you are easily offended not only do I not care, I don't want to hear about it! Just sayin...
Some time ago I was alone in a movie theatre, or so I thought.
I settled in with my popcorn and soda ready for some afternoon entertainment on a lazy day. I was vaguely aware of someone walking in and sitting behind me. Generally, I like to keep to myself in theaters. To me they are like the library...you shouldn't disturb others. Then much to my shagrin the person who just entered decided they were going to strike up a conversation with me. After listening to him describe every corner off town he had been to to find the theater, I gave a not so enthusiastic "uh huh". As the movie started I was relieved to be left in silence again.
Throughout the movie I could here the stirrings of the other occupant. I kept thinking "He's moving around an awful lot back there."
Somewhere 3/4 of the way through the movie, after a brief and seriously uneventful sex scene (not to mention a theatrical shot of some guys ass) I heard it! And when I say it I mean IT!! And I think you may know where I'm going with this. The sound of the "FAP". Skin hitting skin. As I sat stunned thinking "Is he really doing what I think he's doing?" I heard more.....but this time the "fapping" was accompanied by two somewhat muffled groans. It was apparent that action on the screen had got him going. But seriously it was a Michelle Pfeifer film! Who "faps" to Michelle Pfiefer? I mean really! No offense to her, but she's not exactly a hot commodity any more.
Anyway- after a few moments of paralyzing horror, I moved to leave. It was like I was movin' in slooooowww mmmooootttttion. I didn't dare look right at him, that would have been like looking directly at Medusa except I probably would have burst into flames. But, I did manage a peripheral look and as I much suspected the jerkmaster was hunched over himself. Presumably in a state of self-induced ecstasy. Finally, I made it to the door and out to the concession stand. After about 15 minutes they brought me what looked like a 15 year old boy who said he was the manager. When I told him what happened he looked at me and said "Are you serious?". NO not at all. Basically I stormed out in disgust and called the district manager. And to make a longer story short I got 6 free passes, but I will never look at Michelle Pfeifer the same way! THANKS PERVERT! Fap on kids!