This next post will be a rant on men. I feel it necessary to post today's disclaimer BEFORE the blog so there is no confusion.
Disclaimer: Gentlemen- If you are sensitive to attacks on your species this may not be the post you want to read today because not only do I not care but I also don't want to hear about it. Just sayin....
There are habits of men that I have observed that ABSOLUTELY drive me crazy and we are talking aside from the usual pain in the ass stuff they do. Things that I find my self saying, "And you all think WE make no sense!
1. Men who own wallets but still insist on crumpling up their money in their pocket of folding it into tiny squares and THEN putting it in their wallet. Why bother with the wallet. It's sort of like when you guys complain to us about our purses being too big and then we can never find anything.
2. The men from the scenario above that don't bother uncrumpling or unfolding the money before they hand it to me. Is it really that hard? Thanks for the consideration ya jerk!!
3. Men with a vault full of change in their pocket who also have problems counting and hold everyone else up while they attempt to dig out five dollars in change just so they can lighten their pockets!!! Leave the freakin change at home in a jar ya dip shit! Problem solved!
4. men who insist on trying to play ridiculous games with me while I'm trying to work. You aren't cute, you are annoying and you will only manage to piss me off so don't wonder why I am then grouchy!
5. Men with nails longer than mine. This is simply just DISGUSTING and I don't understand what purpose it serves!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The Mis- Adventures of The Mimis!!
There are many strange and wonderful conversations that take place betwixt Mimi and I when we have had a few beers. Today was no exception during our impromptu hang out/ fall clean out of her basement.
Recently we decided that we want to start traveling together. (Never mind the fact that both of us are broke) we enjoy making said plans and even mapping out activities that will probably never see the light of day!
I have suggested visiting London, which I have always felt connected to. (I think I was British in another life) while Mimi wants to visit strange countries such as Brazil, Jamaica, and numerous places in South America. If there is one thing I would like to point out at this point in my diatribe is all of her choices involve countries where the police carry semi-automatic weapons and people frequently disappear into the jungle while I enjoy areas of the world where I feel safe in the fact that the police force wears funny hats.
I have never been fond of foreign government policy or places where small sects of anti-socialists drag you into the jungle and beat you to death. Mimi, on the other hand, finds this to be exciting and a challenge. If there is anyone who could talk these gun toting, non-conformists guerrillas down from their "crazy tree" it would be Mimi. Her only persuasion being, " Hey man, come on down here and have a smoke with me and maybe a shot!" Once they were out of said tree she would convince them to visit the nearest village for a beer and smoke run.
Meanwhile, I plan interesting outings such as visiting a restaurant where you dine in the dark and the maitre d is blind. To which she quickly asks, "Where do you find this shit?" and I reply, "The same place you find all the natives to go on your beer runs!"
During our cleaning spree today I asked what was with all the jungle loving travel and she answered, "I wanna go places where you can see and show skin and it just so happens that those places also believe in carrying semi-automatic weapons."
As much alike as we are she is the adventurous one and I am the "safety girl". She provides the fun and I keep us out of jail!!
Disclaimer: I can not be personally held responsible for the content or spelling errors of this post!!
Recently we decided that we want to start traveling together. (Never mind the fact that both of us are broke) we enjoy making said plans and even mapping out activities that will probably never see the light of day!
I have suggested visiting London, which I have always felt connected to. (I think I was British in another life) while Mimi wants to visit strange countries such as Brazil, Jamaica, and numerous places in South America. If there is one thing I would like to point out at this point in my diatribe is all of her choices involve countries where the police carry semi-automatic weapons and people frequently disappear into the jungle while I enjoy areas of the world where I feel safe in the fact that the police force wears funny hats.
I have never been fond of foreign government policy or places where small sects of anti-socialists drag you into the jungle and beat you to death. Mimi, on the other hand, finds this to be exciting and a challenge. If there is anyone who could talk these gun toting, non-conformists guerrillas down from their "crazy tree" it would be Mimi. Her only persuasion being, " Hey man, come on down here and have a smoke with me and maybe a shot!" Once they were out of said tree she would convince them to visit the nearest village for a beer and smoke run.
Meanwhile, I plan interesting outings such as visiting a restaurant where you dine in the dark and the maitre d is blind. To which she quickly asks, "Where do you find this shit?" and I reply, "The same place you find all the natives to go on your beer runs!"
During our cleaning spree today I asked what was with all the jungle loving travel and she answered, "I wanna go places where you can see and show skin and it just so happens that those places also believe in carrying semi-automatic weapons."
As much alike as we are she is the adventurous one and I am the "safety girl". She provides the fun and I keep us out of jail!!
Disclaimer: I can not be personally held responsible for the content or spelling errors of this post!!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Put a bag on your head! It would be an improvement!
Have you ever looked at a picture of an ex-boyfriend, lover, whatever you call yours and thought, "Holy shit! He looks like a crackhead!!" Just sayin.....
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
The most RIDICULOUS things I have ever heard on the Graveyard shift!
Along with my top ten lists of The Graveyard shift I am also frequently the victim of what I like to call "Hostage Situation Conversations". This is when a person continually prattles about topics of which they CLEARLY have no knowledge and REFUSE to allow you to return to your work.
During these "conversations" I have learned many useful/interesting things such as:
1. "The problem with America is milk and creamer. It's killing everyone."..... You know what else is killing me? The sound of your voice.
2. The same individual also revealed the secret of long life to me and me alone!!!.... "If you snort organic Silver it will cure anything you have wrong with you!".... Yes, mostly because you will be DEAD!!
3. "I have a ranch in Texas with pure gold railings along the stairs. I can take you away from all of this!".......GREAT!! Send me that PURE GOLD railing so I can pay some bills and get away....far away from you!!
4."It's ok if you are crazy as long as you are pretty!" O.o
5."How do I get out of the parking lot?" Well, ya fuckin moron,how the hell did you get in? Try laying a trail of breadcrumbs next time!
6."I'm going to hypnotize you to believe that I am the most attractive man alive and you want me.....is it working?" This should be self explanatory to all my readers because you all know I just walked away without a word.
During these "conversations" I have learned many useful/interesting things such as:
1. "The problem with America is milk and creamer. It's killing everyone."..... You know what else is killing me? The sound of your voice.
2. The same individual also revealed the secret of long life to me and me alone!!!.... "If you snort organic Silver it will cure anything you have wrong with you!".... Yes, mostly because you will be DEAD!!
3. "I have a ranch in Texas with pure gold railings along the stairs. I can take you away from all of this!".......GREAT!! Send me that PURE GOLD railing so I can pay some bills and get away....far away from you!!
4."It's ok if you are crazy as long as you are pretty!" O.o
5."How do I get out of the parking lot?" Well, ya fuckin moron,how the hell did you get in? Try laying a trail of breadcrumbs next time!
6."I'm going to hypnotize you to believe that I am the most attractive man alive and you want me.....is it working?" This should be self explanatory to all my readers because you all know I just walked away without a word.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Life in general!
As much as I believe, right now at least, that nothing lasts forever, I am inspired to ASPIRE to new heights and hopes when I watch my friends succeed and aim their life in a positive direction. Let nothing break you. Not a relationship, not your job, or out side forces you can not control.
Everything is part of a greater plan. Everything you do and every relationship you have that strives or fails is there to lead you to where you are supposed to be.
Pay attention to the small things because you never know when things might change.
Ups and downs come and go but one thing is for certain they are there for you to prove to yourself what you are made of, which is usually more than you give yourself credit for!
Take joy in the small things when everything else seems to be going wrong.
Love your family, love your true friends, and most importantly love yourself. Only you can do that best!
Everything is part of a greater plan. Everything you do and every relationship you have that strives or fails is there to lead you to where you are supposed to be.
Pay attention to the small things because you never know when things might change.
Ups and downs come and go but one thing is for certain they are there for you to prove to yourself what you are made of, which is usually more than you give yourself credit for!
Take joy in the small things when everything else seems to be going wrong.
Love your family, love your true friends, and most importantly love yourself. Only you can do that best!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
John Cougar was full of shit!!!
Last year I moved to a small town and consequently took a job here so there was less of a commute. Living in a small town has it's plus and minuses.
For instance:
The town I live in INSISTS on setting off the air sirens every time there is an accident, fire, or a dog pisses! They also set off these sirens at 12 noon everyday AND the first Tuesday of every month. Supposedly, the 1st Tuesday thing is to test that the sirens are in working order. My line of thinking is if they are setting them off that much I don't think the 1st Tuesday is really necessary. The noon siren, they say, is what they used to use to let the farmers know it was time to go in for lunch. I'm pretty sure most of today's farmers own watches and maybe they could consult that instead of waiting for an air raid siren. I feel like I'm living in Silent fucking Hill!! I keep waiting for the paint on my walls to bubble and crack and the gate to Hell to open!! (-)
Other than the scream of these sirens it is very quiet. (+)
Everyone and I mean EVERYONE knows or WANTS to know your business (-)
Stories of locals being tazored is pretty entertaining. (+)
But when it's the same locals being tazored alllll the time, it's loses it's humorous quality. (-)
Those of you who live in a small town know there is ABSOLUTELY NO measure of anonymity. Everybody and their friggin brother will wave AND say hello to you. Consequently, you are expected to be "friendly" back even if you don't feel like it. This doesn't work out for those of us who are not a "people" person. (-)
One of the greatest things about my stint in Vegas was that the entire time I lived there I ran into exactly one person I knew while out in public. No one there waves wildly at you from the other side of a parking lot much less speaks to you in public. In fact, it is strongly advised that you DO NOT become overly friendly while out and about in public there. Don't ask.
While the population sign posted at the town limit boasts upwards of several thousand you inevitably only see the same 5 people ALLLLL the time. (-)
The local supermarket is so small and ridiculous you need a passport to go in. (-)
The town FINALLY does away with grocery store so small you could barely turn around therefore negating the need for said passport. (+)
Once a member of a small town it sucks you in like a black hole without hope of escape damning you to a life of missing teeth, John Deere equipment, and overalls as the latest fashion. (-)
Eventually, you may grow accustomed to it and maybe even enjoy it for a time...just not forever! (+) :)
For instance:
The town I live in INSISTS on setting off the air sirens every time there is an accident, fire, or a dog pisses! They also set off these sirens at 12 noon everyday AND the first Tuesday of every month. Supposedly, the 1st Tuesday thing is to test that the sirens are in working order. My line of thinking is if they are setting them off that much I don't think the 1st Tuesday is really necessary. The noon siren, they say, is what they used to use to let the farmers know it was time to go in for lunch. I'm pretty sure most of today's farmers own watches and maybe they could consult that instead of waiting for an air raid siren. I feel like I'm living in Silent fucking Hill!! I keep waiting for the paint on my walls to bubble and crack and the gate to Hell to open!! (-)
Other than the scream of these sirens it is very quiet. (+)
Everyone and I mean EVERYONE knows or WANTS to know your business (-)
Stories of locals being tazored is pretty entertaining. (+)
But when it's the same locals being tazored alllll the time, it's loses it's humorous quality. (-)
Those of you who live in a small town know there is ABSOLUTELY NO measure of anonymity. Everybody and their friggin brother will wave AND say hello to you. Consequently, you are expected to be "friendly" back even if you don't feel like it. This doesn't work out for those of us who are not a "people" person. (-)
One of the greatest things about my stint in Vegas was that the entire time I lived there I ran into exactly one person I knew while out in public. No one there waves wildly at you from the other side of a parking lot much less speaks to you in public. In fact, it is strongly advised that you DO NOT become overly friendly while out and about in public there. Don't ask.
While the population sign posted at the town limit boasts upwards of several thousand you inevitably only see the same 5 people ALLLLL the time. (-)
The local supermarket is so small and ridiculous you need a passport to go in. (-)
The town FINALLY does away with grocery store so small you could barely turn around therefore negating the need for said passport. (+)
Once a member of a small town it sucks you in like a black hole without hope of escape damning you to a life of missing teeth, John Deere equipment, and overalls as the latest fashion. (-)
Eventually, you may grow accustomed to it and maybe even enjoy it for a time...just not forever! (+) :)
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Cutting the ties that bind......
So, lately I find myself in a very good place. I'm happy, healthy (for the most part), I have good family and friends, and I'm gainfully employed (which is better than a lot of American people these days). As I drove around today running errands I thought about what it has taken me to get here.
Money problems, job woes, bad relationships, the end of friendships, the beginning of new ones, and the realization that life will always go on and it's not as bad as it may seem.
I've had to cut a lot of people out of my life and along with them, people who knew them. People I thought were friends, but in the end cared nothing about me or how their actions or words may have affected me.
I, in turn, have done things that aren't my proudest moments and that I am sorry for, but that have helped teach me the lessons I needed to learn about my own life and about me as a person. A one time friend said it best: "Desperation is a stinky cologne." Of course they also said: "Don't be desperate just be angry." which may work for some, but I would rather just be HAPPY!!
Understanding of myself may have come late, but at least it came.
Consider yourself lucky because chances are you might be!!!
Money problems, job woes, bad relationships, the end of friendships, the beginning of new ones, and the realization that life will always go on and it's not as bad as it may seem.
I've had to cut a lot of people out of my life and along with them, people who knew them. People I thought were friends, but in the end cared nothing about me or how their actions or words may have affected me.
I, in turn, have done things that aren't my proudest moments and that I am sorry for, but that have helped teach me the lessons I needed to learn about my own life and about me as a person. A one time friend said it best: "Desperation is a stinky cologne." Of course they also said: "Don't be desperate just be angry." which may work for some, but I would rather just be HAPPY!!
Understanding of myself may have come late, but at least it came.
Consider yourself lucky because chances are you might be!!!
Mirror, Mirror .......
It's absolutely amazing to me that you could be wearing dishrags and some guys will still hoot and holler at you! Good to know even when I look like hot garbage I still look good to some random fool!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Death at the doorstep......
It is with great sadness that I announce the demise of the Orb Weaving spider, who I have affectionately named Monty. Monty passed away today just outside his/her home at 2pm. It appears Monty was getting too big for his/her britches and created a web OVER my door. Since this simply will not do.... I killed him. Yes, that's right, I sprayed him/her with insect killer (You must be kidding if you thought I was going to touch that thing!!) Monty is survived by 1000 children. His/her parents preceded him/her in death last fall. There is no memorial or burial planned. If you would like to send flowers you may send them to me, I prefer roses. Adios Monty!
Friday, September 2, 2011
If my dog could talk.....
Those of you who know me know I own a lovable 5 lb. black Chihuahua named Osa Leon which I adopted during my stint in Vegas. I know, I know ...a Chihuahua....I hear it all the time! He's not your ordinary Chihuahua, he's a good boy and very sweet!
Those of you who know me ALSO know I enjoy personifying him as my personal secretary (complete with glasses and pen), A ladies man roaming the neighborhood in search of a conquest (complete with mysterious accent), or general smart ass!
Then I realized, if this dog could talk he would probably have some seriously fucked up things to say that would tell you something about me and what he thinks of me:
1. "Why do they keep speaking Spanish to me? I was born in the United States."
2. "Listen buddy, I'm not going to bother getting to know you because you'll be gone in a month anyway, so just throw that stuffed squirrel a few more times and we're good!"
3. "Please tell me you're not a drummer?"
4. "Why the hell does this kid keep calling me JoJo? Who the fuck is JoJo?"
5. "I'd be nice to me if I were you pal cuz I'm pretty sure I'm not going anywhere!"
6. "Remember the incident with your favorite purse, Mom? Yea, it was me. Who did you think it was? There was no one else around."
7. "You may want to rethink that outfit, mom....and the hair.... in fact you may want to rethink leaving the house at all today."
8. "Another night staying in, huh? God you lead an exciting life!"
9. "Secretly I believe you will be a spinster and I will out live you. Chances are they will find you 6 weeks after you've died and I will have to eat you to survive."
10. "Listen Bitch quit personifying me. I don't want to be your fuckin secretary !"
Those of you who know me ALSO know I enjoy personifying him as my personal secretary (complete with glasses and pen), A ladies man roaming the neighborhood in search of a conquest (complete with mysterious accent), or general smart ass!
Then I realized, if this dog could talk he would probably have some seriously fucked up things to say that would tell you something about me and what he thinks of me:
1. "Why do they keep speaking Spanish to me? I was born in the United States."
2. "Listen buddy, I'm not going to bother getting to know you because you'll be gone in a month anyway, so just throw that stuffed squirrel a few more times and we're good!"
3. "Please tell me you're not a drummer?"
4. "Why the hell does this kid keep calling me JoJo? Who the fuck is JoJo?"
5. "I'd be nice to me if I were you pal cuz I'm pretty sure I'm not going anywhere!"
6. "Remember the incident with your favorite purse, Mom? Yea, it was me. Who did you think it was? There was no one else around."
7. "You may want to rethink that outfit, mom....and the hair.... in fact you may want to rethink leaving the house at all today."
8. "Another night staying in, huh? God you lead an exciting life!"
9. "Secretly I believe you will be a spinster and I will out live you. Chances are they will find you 6 weeks after you've died and I will have to eat you to survive."
10. "Listen Bitch quit personifying me. I don't want to be your fuckin secretary !"
Thursday, September 1, 2011
New name, same great taste!!
So, for the last few days I have been thinking about changing the blog name. I feel like I have already outgrown "The Little Red Bouncy Ball" and I've always thought "My Ridiculous Life" had a nice ring to it. (Sort of in the air of My So-Called Life....minus the teen angst...and Jared Leto) Let's face it, even I have to admit my life is RIDICULOUSLY hilarious sometimes!!!
Farewell my Little Red Bouncy Ball. You have served me well.
And now.............
WELCOME TO MY RIDICULOUS LIFE!!!
Disclaimer: Before some wise ass brings it up, yes, I know the word "ridiculous" is misspelled in the web address. The correct spelling was not available.
Farewell my Little Red Bouncy Ball. You have served me well.
And now.............
WELCOME TO MY RIDICULOUS LIFE!!!
Disclaimer: Before some wise ass brings it up, yes, I know the word "ridiculous" is misspelled in the web address. The correct spelling was not available.
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